MySpace Blog Conversion: Cemetery One

Well, I just noticed that my old blog from MySpace is being ignored by me and I wrote a couple things in there that I don't want to lose. So I'm copying over the things I liked.

May 28, 2008

Okay, I went to visit my dad's grave yesterday, as some of you know. Wow, even that sentence implies a little more feeling than I intended. I guess I should say, I went to the cemetery where my dad's headstone is. Maybe that fits better...

I decided to go, after 2 1/2 years, because for Memorial Day I got to go visit the graves of my grandpa, and great grand parents, and I think I felt some obligation and curiosity. I enjoy visiting my grandparents; it feels comforting; I like thinking about them. So while I was standing at my grandpa's grave, I thought maybe I should visit my dad.

My feelings about his death are both nonexistent and ridiculously confusing. I've really only felt regret that I won't know what could possibly have been there if... IF what? That's part of what I don't know. If he would have been normal one day? If he would have been genuine one day? Who knows. I feel regret that IF he had real human emotions that WERE real, it must have hurt to not have his kids, whether he deserved them or not. I feel regret that Trevor can't see anything good in him. I have no idea how or where I see any good at all in him either, or if it can even be defined as GOOD that I see in him. But I know at least that I don't feel the same constant negative that Trevor sees.

Those are my three regrets, or sadnesses, that I associate with him now that he's dead. There are some others that I associate with his living, but those are a different story.
Back to the grave-visiting. I had decided not to make it a priority to go all the way out to Tooele to see the grave, but Trevor had a show in Tooele, and, well, I felt like maybe it wasn't a coincidence that I'd thought about going. I found the address of the city cemetery, and looked up his plot number. It felt like something people do when they're looking for a long lost friend, so it felt intrusive and weird. But how else do you find where it is? Wander the cemetery? Spending way longer than you wanted looking for something you weren't even sure you wanted to find?
Got to the cemetery and it was pretty. I actually really enjoy cemeteries in general. There are always birds, and lots of flowers. I found a directory and mechanically found the area of the cemetery the headstone was supposed to be in, like answering a question on a quiz. So there it was. No big deal. "Timothy Douglas Brooks." The headstone was bigger and more expensive than I would have thought, or maybe than I would have chosen.

What do I do now? I looked at the headstone, I saw where the grass was a different color and depth where his casket was under the ground. I saw the other people wandering the cemetery. I felt like I was doing something that was supposed to be important, but felt very little. I still felt okay about going, I guess. Every time I have to tell someone my dad died in my senior year of high school I get the same feeling. Like any normal person would be devastated. But to me, it's practically nothing, and I usually end up laughing because people feel so awkward because I feel nothing.

I felt like I should probably put a flower on there at least. That's what people do, right? So I intently tried to find a flower shop that was open. I felt like I was trying to make it more important so I had something to focus on and feel. If I got the flower, it would mean something.
No open flower shops. I went to the corner market (which is really just a gas station without the gas… like the Quick E Mart) and looked around for maybe some fake flowers. Nothing. So I thought about what I could put on the headstone that would represent how I'm feeling, and represent that I had been there to offer something. …I thought about getting an Idaho Spud, he always ate those; they didn't have any. The Swedish Fish caught my eye; I could just make a flower design. I have no idea why I was so insistent on having a flower… probably some subconscious mumbo jumbo about not facing my real feelings or something. I don't really care.
I went back to the cemetery and quickly made the flower with the fish. Pretty cute if you ask me. I felt like the fish flower suited me. I never really felt like a real flower suited my feelings; so a weird flower felt like a better fit.

I tried to say some words out loud. I talked about my regrets, and that basically I didn't feel anything except those, and that I was going to wait until we're all dead to find out what's really the truth about everything. I've never understood him, and therefore, a lot of my childhood is something I don't understand, or have feelings about. I said that I wasn't going to fret my whole life about what might have been, or what did happen, but that I was going to live my life without worrying about any of it.

I was done. Nothing else to do. But I still had half a bag of Swedish Fish in my pocket, and no way was I eating my dead dad's headstone fish. So I dumped the rest out on the top of the stone thinking I could make another flower or something. But the pile of red fish seemed to fit. There was a pretty red flower made of fish that was organized, and perfectly laid out. And next to it, a pile of fish. It so perfectly represented the way I feel about the whole situation. On one hand, I feel okay that I don't have a dad, and I love my life the way it is. I've never really felt deep remorse or sadness for him dying or not being there. But at the same time, all of my feelings are all jumbled up, and I don't know what to feel. So a simple, well defined Swedish Fish flower, and a messy Swedish Fish pile worked for me.

So, with the "How's it goin'?" text from Trevor, I left, and was done until next time, if I ever decide to do that again.

12:05 PM - 2 Comments -
Valerie
Wow Becky. I didn't know you had such confusing feelings, but I can see how you would. I think it shows a lot of maturity that you went. Makes one wonder if he was allowed to be there and hear what you spoke out loud. Do they get to come here for those things do you think? It could be part of their learning process or something. All I can picture is him with his "crying face" if he was here. Isn't that awful? I love what you wrote about the fish...both the flower and the pile of fish. It was very well written and spoke volumes. Thank you for sharing this Becky.
Posted by Valerie on Jun 7, 2008 10:07 AM

Becky
I don't know if it's the real answer, but I just imagined him not doing anything, just watching. I'm not sure if people CAN see when live people visit their graves, but I'd imagine that God would allow them to at least know something about it at some point if they aren't there. I can't imagine that God would never let us know things like that. I'd like to think that if he WAS making the cry face, that it meant something else than it meant when he was alive. If not, it would all seem pointless. My friend sent me a message about it, "Death is a very strange thing, especially in your situation where someone who should have been close to you but wasn't passed away. There really isn't I think any particular way that everyone deals with someone dying. And the fact that you feel nothing about doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you at all. I've had a lot of people die on me this year and some that I didn't think would affect me that bad hit me the hardest, then again there were some where I felt I should've been heartbroken and I wasn't at all. You did what you felt was appropriate. And one day or another you were going to make that trip. Everyone needs their peace with the dead and now you have yours with him. All that may seem random and not pertinent, but I just felt it needed to be said cause I know how you feel sometimes." I'm glad she sent that. It was what I was feeling deep down but couldn't find.
Posted by Becky on Jun 7, 2008 10:18 AM

I also wanted to keep a copy of my dad's obituary somewhere, and since you have to pay to view it online now, I thought I'd keep it here.

Timothy Douglas Brooks
Timothy Douglas Brooks 1956 ~ 2005 Born Sept 19, 1956 in Salt Lake City. Son of Lloyd D. and Adrian Adair Brooks, passed away on Wednesday Dec 21st from instage renal disease as a result of complications with diabetes. Leaves behind a loving wife, Julia Karen White, and five children from a previous marriage with Valerie Ross: Joseph (Constance), Steven, Nathan, Rebecca, and Matthew Brooks; two grandchildren --Sage and Jordan; brother James (Kristina), sister Robin (David) Johnson, niece Jenny Moss-Rodgers. Preceded in death by his sister Susan Brooks. Tim was a faithful member of the LDS Church. Graduated from East High in 1975. Served an LDS Mission in San Antonio, TX 1976-78. Worked as a Sheet Metal Journeyman before graduating from CCI with a degree in computer programming. Employed by Deseret Chemical Depot. Funeral services will be held on Friday Dec 23rd at 11:00 a.m. at the Tooele 19th Ward, 1030 So 900 West. Friends may call at Tate Mortuary 110 So Main St. Thurs 6-8 p.m. and 9:30 - 10:30 prior to services at the church. Interment in the Tooele City Cemetery.