Sitting doing nothing for the time being

I'm feeling really blah today. I have all these goals but most of them are so far in the future and I feel like I'm moving SOOO slowly!

1. 2010 Pay off credit cards by June (September at the latest).
2. 2010-11 Save up for a nice DSLR camera (in the meantime, take crappy pictures of friends and family to try to get better)
3. 2010-11 Take a couple night classes in photography basics and photoshop (surprisingly hard to find :( most people want to do this in the daytime) when I have my new camera and when I've saved up for the classes
4. 2012 Pay off both cars by mid-2012 (that's approximately 1 1/2-2 years early). We have a plan, the forces willing. I HATE that since our payments are so high, even if we pay off a couple hundred dollars extra in one month, it only moves the timeline a TINY bit. GRRR.
5. 2012-2015/16 Trevor quits his job and gets a part time job and goes to school for 3ish years (hopefully going to school full time??) studying...something. Get student loan so we don't die. Becky takes pictures and reads lots of books so she doesn't feel like she's doing nothing.
6. 2016- Trevor gets a new job and makes millions so we can pay off student loan.
7. 2016-2020 save up so we can have kids and buy house (this is the part I like). This is the time Trevor will be finding some sort of job he can do forever, haha. Who knows, maybe we'll have kids now. 6 years... that's not so bad. I'll be 28. Ugh, maybe that IS so bad.
8. 2020. Hopefully by the time I'm 32 we'll have accomplished all of these things and will be well in the middle of making babies in a house and accruing more debt because our cars will be 15 years old. Life's great, right?
9. 2010-2020. Live young so we don't feel like we're wasting away :)

The Plan.

(If you draw it, it becomes official.)

My NEW New Years Resolution

Here’s what’s been happening the last week or so. On Monday I made some cliché weight loss goals like 90% of the rest of the world, and on Wednesday I totally biffed it going down some stairs at my work, of course (being my mother’s daughter), spraining my ankle. My doctor told me I have to wear a brace for a week with no crazy moving around; and to take it easy for a WHOLE MONTH. So pretty much, I borrowed my mom’s Twilight [Okay, I know that 50% of the population reading this right now probably tuned out at the mere mention of Twilight (oh no!), but just hear me out. I promise I won't give you a book review.] and got to work on the only thing I could. I spent my weekend with my ankle elevated, and my heart elevating itself along with it because Edward’s just so dang cute. It was a nice distraction from all the food in my house...Alright, yes, I may be trying to justify spending an entire weekend curled up on my bed reading about sparkly vampires, all the while feeling my emotional threshold creep closer and closer to the breaking point. But seriously… can you blame me?

Of course, on Sunday night Trevor got the brunt of my directionless tears, totally freaking him out. All it took was one little meaningless random thought from Trevor:

“What if we found out that this whole time, we really haven’t been legally married? What if there was some sort of error in the system? Wouldn’t that be WEIRD?”

Um…YES. In storms Becky’s mounting, uncontrollable wall of tears.

Poor Trevor.

To a man, women must seem crazy—COMPLETELY crazy. But in all seriousness, I feel extremely liberated. I want to tell Trevor I love him all the time. I’m being so much more reminiscent when I talk to old friends. I feel like my sense of community and friendship has been hoisted up. I know all my new-found sentiment is stemming from the raging, idealistic love story I was reading, but yeesh. Can you blame a girl for retaining a small portion of all that lovin’? I don’t think so.

I do feel liberated. I feel free to be happy when I’m happy; to let my happiness make my chest explode and make my eyeballs sting. I feel free to cry when I’m sad, or when I’m embarrassed. For an hour or so last night I actually felt depressed for maybe the first time in my life. Definitely the first time that the topic wasn’t marriage related. When all you do every day is go to work, go home, make dinner, load the dishwasher, start some laundry, maybe watch a movie or read a book, maybe do some project or something fun now and then, it’s so obvious that someone might start to feel desensitized. I know my new-found passion for the dreaded feelings is going to mostly wear off in few days, but dang it, I’m sucking it all in while I can. Maybe when I come out of the haze I will have some of it left over.

Doing all this crying lately has really made me love it as a reaction. I feel like lately my reaction to everything not specifically happy has been frustration. When I’m sad, I’m frustrated, not sad. When I’m mad, I’m extra frustrated. When I’m confused, I’m frustrated. When I’m bored, frustrated. Annoyed at Trevor? Becky is grumpy. There is so much in between that I know I’m capable of, and I don’t want to lose it. I know I’m capable of feeling differently, and this week has been proof of that. I’m capable of making my life what I want, and I can’t deny it. Even if I’m stuck where I’m at—in debt, married at 22 (in 4 weeks, eek), working full time—I can still react the way I want to. Becky on the inside can be having the time of her life right now if she wants to instead of just an okay time.

Any time I sit down at a piano and start to play a song about God, my mind and body seem to react the same way. My throat catches and I can’t sing anymore, and my eyes can’t see through the fluid gushing to read the notes so my hands have to stop playing. Each time this week when I’ve started to feel my emotions well up inside me for whatever reason, I’ve thought about that. Even though it puts me in a non-functioning state, it’s a comfortable place for me. I’m fairly certain any man who’s reading this is going, “What the…” But if you’re a girlie, just think about it for a minute. Even if you’re crying about something horrific—it feels incredible to let it out. To me, it’s proof that I’m human and alive.

So, I think I know what I want to do with my new year. Here’s to treating myself to all my emotions and the life they lead me to, and probably crying my guts out more in 2010.

the two-thousands? the tens?

I've really liked reading about people's decades, so I wanted to be cool and do it too.

What has happened in the last decade? I have to put them into groups of years since when you're in school still, the years are different:

1999/2000: I was in 6th grade, as a lovely tween, and moved from Kearns to West Jordan with my family--probably the best move of my life. It was hard at the time, but since about a month after the move, I've always been so grateful for the change. I met better people, made real friends, and began to find out who I really was.

6th Grade

2000/2001: Ooo, Jr. High :) I'm glad I'm still young enough to say that within the last decade I was in Jr. High. This is where I found out I REALLY love school and that I was good at it. I fell in love with English and reading. Had my first REAL boyfriend (because 7th grade boys are SO much more mature than 6th grade boys); we "went out" while we were at school, and held hands and hugged. Met some of my friends who would be my friends for many years.

2001/2002: Moved up in the world to 8th grade, my "I hate boys" stage. I discovered my scriptures this year on a level that I'd never known before. And I took woodshop, where I learned I can create things in ways I never expected I would like. I learned some French, and did student government. This is the year that all my friends became OBSESSED (well, more so than the previous year) with boys and each had the one they were pining over. I'm sure I did too, but I don't remember anyone specific. We had many a good sleep over and movie night discussing their attributes.

8th Grade

2002/2003: I was in 9th grade, 15. I fell in love with Geography and History, and took my first Seminary class. I will always have fond memories of the changes that happened in me during this year. My testimony grew and gave me a foundation that I will always need. This is the year I discovered pink. Yes, as in the color. And dated Scott Oliverson. Whew, what a year. Pretty sure I was on the Joel P. basketball team too. Did we ever win a game? This is also the year I moved into the Heritage 2nd Ward and made new friends. I loved that ward. Click here.

9th Grade

2003/2004: Oh man, my first year in high school. I was so freaked out, haha! And so sad that I didn't have the guts the year before to try out for choir because all my friends were in choir. But I took debate and kicked BUTT there instead; got to go to Boston for nationals with my Patrick Henry speech. I'll always remember my PF partners Alex and finding Chelsea--we were magnificent! Went on my first REAL date, and felt adequately grossed out. Read and read and read and did homework. I miss it.

10th Grade

2004/2005: This is the year I met Trevor! I was so relieved to meet a boy who wasn't disgusting and who had some "depth." So I thought ;) I also totally immersed myself in AP History, and CHOIR!! Yay! It was great to be involved in SO many things that I loved more than anything. I really felt like I was finding out who I was. I also remember LOVING our grammar days in Tucker's class.

11th Grade

2005/2006: My senior year in high school... aw :) All my classes were the most difficult I'd ever taken, choir was insane with Madrigals taking up a lot of time, Trevor was graduated and working, and my family was crazy at the time, haha. My dad passed away right at the end of the madrigal season, which was a weird experience--one that made me really reflect on my goals and the relationship I had with my brothers and my mom and step-dad in a way I never had before. But I'm still sure it was one of the best years I've ever had :) Madrigals was such a blessing--I'll always be grateful for the opportunity to do what I love like that with people that I love! Crazy business, Trevor and I got engaged in the spring, and got married in the fall and got our first apartment together! Along with that, I went through the temple for my Endowment, and felt my closeness with God grow :) And my closeness to Trevor.

Madrigals

Graduation

Engaged

Married!

2007: Worked A LOT. Took 2 classes in college. Got poor. Yep, that pretty much sums it up. Although, it was amazing being married to Trevor, and we were so happy to be together so often. Trevor started his first band, and we found out how to balance our lives. Trevor went through a few jobs, and we got a lot of credit card debt, and a NEW CAR PAYMENT, yippee. But we did find our current apartment, which we love :)

2007; Travis and Robyn's Endowment Day

2008: We'd been married for 2 years, and I think this was a great year for both of us to find more about who we are separately, and as a couple. Trevor was in the band, and did designs, and really just explored being as much of a man in his 20s he could be while being married. We're still working on this :) I found out how much I really love cooking and baking, and decorating our apartment, and making things. Late in the year, Trevor's brother moved in with us, and we started to find out how much we long hanging out with our families. They really can be your best friends.

2008; Sad for family moving away

2009: Trevor got promoted at Rent-A-Center, and we both got raises, which we were really grateful for. We worked on paying down some of the debt we accrued since we got married, and made great headway! This was one of the most financially stable years we'd both ever experienced, and it was such a relief. Trevor and I grew so much together as a tiny family. We gained new respect for each other and firmed up our long-term goals. Trevor ended his time with the band (still hoping for something band-ish in the future), and got a lot of experience with his designs doing fliers for work. I explored my interest in photography, and well, we'll see where that goes in 2010!

2009; Fire in the mountains

December 30, 2009

What's in store for 2010:

• This year, we have a very specific plan to pay off ALL of our credit card debt. This will give us more room to pay off our cars a year or more early in 2011/2012ish. And then Trevor can very satisfactorily QUIT his job and go to school for graphic design and become a millionaire! bwahahahah!
• 2009 was a great year for us to get to know our living habits and eating habits, and during the last few months, we learned more about how we can each live healthier lives. We're going to continue to grow in this area in 2010.
• I am saving up to buy a fancy camera so I can take better pictures. After I have the camera I want, I'm hoping to be able to take some classes and learn even more about the technicality of photography and editing. And maybe one day make a little money doing something I love!
• I'm going to be more musical this year. One day I WILL have a piano of my own and I don't want to have forgotten everything I know, right?

We are way excited for this year! Mostly for our financial plans. I wish we could just hurry and make time go by just so we could get it done! But I know there will be plenty of other things going on this year that will be worth the time. I'll be 22, and Trevor will be 23. We're still young, and we have an amazing life to live!