MySpace Blog Conversion: Cemetery One

Well, I just noticed that my old blog from MySpace is being ignored by me and I wrote a couple things in there that I don't want to lose. So I'm copying over the things I liked.

May 28, 2008

Okay, I went to visit my dad's grave yesterday, as some of you know. Wow, even that sentence implies a little more feeling than I intended. I guess I should say, I went to the cemetery where my dad's headstone is. Maybe that fits better...

I decided to go, after 2 1/2 years, because for Memorial Day I got to go visit the graves of my grandpa, and great grand parents, and I think I felt some obligation and curiosity. I enjoy visiting my grandparents; it feels comforting; I like thinking about them. So while I was standing at my grandpa's grave, I thought maybe I should visit my dad.

My feelings about his death are both nonexistent and ridiculously confusing. I've really only felt regret that I won't know what could possibly have been there if... IF what? That's part of what I don't know. If he would have been normal one day? If he would have been genuine one day? Who knows. I feel regret that IF he had real human emotions that WERE real, it must have hurt to not have his kids, whether he deserved them or not. I feel regret that Trevor can't see anything good in him. I have no idea how or where I see any good at all in him either, or if it can even be defined as GOOD that I see in him. But I know at least that I don't feel the same constant negative that Trevor sees.

Those are my three regrets, or sadnesses, that I associate with him now that he's dead. There are some others that I associate with his living, but those are a different story.
Back to the grave-visiting. I had decided not to make it a priority to go all the way out to Tooele to see the grave, but Trevor had a show in Tooele, and, well, I felt like maybe it wasn't a coincidence that I'd thought about going. I found the address of the city cemetery, and looked up his plot number. It felt like something people do when they're looking for a long lost friend, so it felt intrusive and weird. But how else do you find where it is? Wander the cemetery? Spending way longer than you wanted looking for something you weren't even sure you wanted to find?
Got to the cemetery and it was pretty. I actually really enjoy cemeteries in general. There are always birds, and lots of flowers. I found a directory and mechanically found the area of the cemetery the headstone was supposed to be in, like answering a question on a quiz. So there it was. No big deal. "Timothy Douglas Brooks." The headstone was bigger and more expensive than I would have thought, or maybe than I would have chosen.

What do I do now? I looked at the headstone, I saw where the grass was a different color and depth where his casket was under the ground. I saw the other people wandering the cemetery. I felt like I was doing something that was supposed to be important, but felt very little. I still felt okay about going, I guess. Every time I have to tell someone my dad died in my senior year of high school I get the same feeling. Like any normal person would be devastated. But to me, it's practically nothing, and I usually end up laughing because people feel so awkward because I feel nothing.

I felt like I should probably put a flower on there at least. That's what people do, right? So I intently tried to find a flower shop that was open. I felt like I was trying to make it more important so I had something to focus on and feel. If I got the flower, it would mean something.
No open flower shops. I went to the corner market (which is really just a gas station without the gas… like the Quick E Mart) and looked around for maybe some fake flowers. Nothing. So I thought about what I could put on the headstone that would represent how I'm feeling, and represent that I had been there to offer something. …I thought about getting an Idaho Spud, he always ate those; they didn't have any. The Swedish Fish caught my eye; I could just make a flower design. I have no idea why I was so insistent on having a flower… probably some subconscious mumbo jumbo about not facing my real feelings or something. I don't really care.
I went back to the cemetery and quickly made the flower with the fish. Pretty cute if you ask me. I felt like the fish flower suited me. I never really felt like a real flower suited my feelings; so a weird flower felt like a better fit.

I tried to say some words out loud. I talked about my regrets, and that basically I didn't feel anything except those, and that I was going to wait until we're all dead to find out what's really the truth about everything. I've never understood him, and therefore, a lot of my childhood is something I don't understand, or have feelings about. I said that I wasn't going to fret my whole life about what might have been, or what did happen, but that I was going to live my life without worrying about any of it.

I was done. Nothing else to do. But I still had half a bag of Swedish Fish in my pocket, and no way was I eating my dead dad's headstone fish. So I dumped the rest out on the top of the stone thinking I could make another flower or something. But the pile of red fish seemed to fit. There was a pretty red flower made of fish that was organized, and perfectly laid out. And next to it, a pile of fish. It so perfectly represented the way I feel about the whole situation. On one hand, I feel okay that I don't have a dad, and I love my life the way it is. I've never really felt deep remorse or sadness for him dying or not being there. But at the same time, all of my feelings are all jumbled up, and I don't know what to feel. So a simple, well defined Swedish Fish flower, and a messy Swedish Fish pile worked for me.

So, with the "How's it goin'?" text from Trevor, I left, and was done until next time, if I ever decide to do that again.

12:05 PM - 2 Comments -
Valerie
Wow Becky. I didn't know you had such confusing feelings, but I can see how you would. I think it shows a lot of maturity that you went. Makes one wonder if he was allowed to be there and hear what you spoke out loud. Do they get to come here for those things do you think? It could be part of their learning process or something. All I can picture is him with his "crying face" if he was here. Isn't that awful? I love what you wrote about the fish...both the flower and the pile of fish. It was very well written and spoke volumes. Thank you for sharing this Becky.
Posted by Valerie on Jun 7, 2008 10:07 AM

Becky
I don't know if it's the real answer, but I just imagined him not doing anything, just watching. I'm not sure if people CAN see when live people visit their graves, but I'd imagine that God would allow them to at least know something about it at some point if they aren't there. I can't imagine that God would never let us know things like that. I'd like to think that if he WAS making the cry face, that it meant something else than it meant when he was alive. If not, it would all seem pointless. My friend sent me a message about it, "Death is a very strange thing, especially in your situation where someone who should have been close to you but wasn't passed away. There really isn't I think any particular way that everyone deals with someone dying. And the fact that you feel nothing about doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you at all. I've had a lot of people die on me this year and some that I didn't think would affect me that bad hit me the hardest, then again there were some where I felt I should've been heartbroken and I wasn't at all. You did what you felt was appropriate. And one day or another you were going to make that trip. Everyone needs their peace with the dead and now you have yours with him. All that may seem random and not pertinent, but I just felt it needed to be said cause I know how you feel sometimes." I'm glad she sent that. It was what I was feeling deep down but couldn't find.
Posted by Becky on Jun 7, 2008 10:18 AM

I also wanted to keep a copy of my dad's obituary somewhere, and since you have to pay to view it online now, I thought I'd keep it here.

Timothy Douglas Brooks
Timothy Douglas Brooks 1956 ~ 2005 Born Sept 19, 1956 in Salt Lake City. Son of Lloyd D. and Adrian Adair Brooks, passed away on Wednesday Dec 21st from instage renal disease as a result of complications with diabetes. Leaves behind a loving wife, Julia Karen White, and five children from a previous marriage with Valerie Ross: Joseph (Constance), Steven, Nathan, Rebecca, and Matthew Brooks; two grandchildren --Sage and Jordan; brother James (Kristina), sister Robin (David) Johnson, niece Jenny Moss-Rodgers. Preceded in death by his sister Susan Brooks. Tim was a faithful member of the LDS Church. Graduated from East High in 1975. Served an LDS Mission in San Antonio, TX 1976-78. Worked as a Sheet Metal Journeyman before graduating from CCI with a degree in computer programming. Employed by Deseret Chemical Depot. Funeral services will be held on Friday Dec 23rd at 11:00 a.m. at the Tooele 19th Ward, 1030 So 900 West. Friends may call at Tate Mortuary 110 So Main St. Thurs 6-8 p.m. and 9:30 - 10:30 prior to services at the church. Interment in the Tooele City Cemetery.

Misconception

Okay, I have to set the record straight. I received a comment on my blog today, I won't name names, but just for the sake of our story, we'll call the commenter "Megan" and her fake last name is "Lindblom." She seems to think that I do a lot of things; that my life is so exciting. I'm squashing that misconception right here and now. I wait a month in between posts, therefore when I catch up, yeah, it would seem I do "a lot" of things. But really... no. I don't. There's a bunch of time in between the things I write about that only entail me and Trevor sitting for hours watching episodes of Friends and Frasier (the saddest part about that is we were even too lazy to rent the dvds ourselves--they're Brandon's!).

Now that you all know this, please, no more telling me I have an exciting life. And "Megan," it's okay, I still like you :) I'm flattered, really, but really?

I took my wedding ring in to be resized and it's going to take 5 whole days! What the crap?! It's going to be really weird not having it for that long. Right now all I can see is the indent that it leaves behind.

I'd apologize for not writing more in the last month, but I don't feel that bad. I'll just get to telling you what's been happening. I've even got my calendar out so I don't forget anything :) Yay for you!

Erin and I went shopping for my maid (I know I'm married and all, but please, don't call me a matron) of honor dress back towards the beginning of the month. That turned out really great. We went to Alise's in ... uh... somewhere in the south, and they had such a ridiculous stock of dresses, I couldn't believe it. I've noticed that most bridal dress stores have the same mind set about stocking dresses--they stock size 0, 6 and 8, and hardly anything else. And they only order every 6 months. So if they're out, they're out--and you're out of luck. So I tried on a couple dresses that sort of matched what the bridesmaids are wearing, but none of them were the right size. They had a few sizes bigger than my size, but non my actual size. Grr. Sorry for any boys who read this--I know you don't care.

So we finally tried Fantasy Bridal in Taylorsville and they turned out to be pretty easy to work with. We got a dress that matches the bridesmaids dresses--but is just a tad more special (which is TOTALLY okay with me :) I can just use the excuse that I'm the maid of honor). After shopping we went next door to this store called Plato's Closet. I have yet to go back, but it was pretty amazing in there. Erin called it the DI for the fashion industry--they have a lot of neat stuff that you'd actually wear but it's second hand so it's cheap cheap. I've sworn to go back some day.

The Sterling Singers Christmas rehearsals started a few weeks ago, and it has been really great for me. It's such a relief to be singing again. And Christmas music is the best, so it makes it that much easier to stay committed.

Trevor and I went to Kristen Humphrey's wedding reception on the 5th, and I have to say, it was beautiful! The red and the roses were SO what I would have picked if I had gone the classy route instead of the fun route at my reception. She had a live jazz band (which apparently she and her new husband are a part of too--neato) and these amazing tiny cheesecake squares. Hurray for Kristen, and knowing how to make things cute to perfection!

I finally went to a relief society function--Super Saturday. Amazing, I know. I've been trying to be more involved lately in the extra things they do, since we're supposed to love eachother and it's practically a commandment for women to have Super Saturday (at least you'd think so anyway). I made a macaroni salad that turned out to be the best macaroni salad I've ever made, so I'm glad I took pictures of the fixins I used. Don't know why, but here's one. I made freaking awesome blocks that say "home" on one side and "love" on the other. I painted them, chose my letters, and sanded them down to have distressed look. I also made a decoration that's a window with the words "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window" or something to that effect. It's a super old dirty window that's painted white--I love it!

Trevor had a couple shows, one of which I went to with my brother Steve and his girlfriend Ash. It was her first metal show, but don't tell anyone :) She was so excited the whole time, it made the show much better. We hung out with some band kids a lot that weekend, mostly at Village Inn and Denny's--we like to go to places like that because they'll serve 20 scary looking people pancakes at midnight.

Robyn-Sister-in-Law, Brandon-Brother-in-Law, and Amber-Brandon's-Significant-Other had birthdays that we didn't pay enough attention to. Robyn got a "Happy birthday," same with Amber, and Brandon got dinner and a surprise party--but that's only because Amber loves him more than everyone else. Ha ha, we're great, aren't we? Sorry guys, for such lame birthdays this year. Constance-Sister-in-Law (don't you love how I'm using everyone's relationship to me as their name?) also had a birthday last weekend and I got to go to the Spaghetti Factory for some yummy meatballs. They were almost worth the wait.

My mom, Matthew-Little-Brother, and I went to see the Sterling Singers' Music 101 Performance downtown last weekend, and it turned out superbly. It's so nice to hear such a grown up, in tune sound. They treated the audience with an extra song, "Love Divine, All Loves Excelling" and it was the best thing that happened to me all that weekend. I felt the spirit so much, and it made me appreciate the building we were in even more while I looked at all the details as they sang. It was held in the First Presbyterian church downtown; it's old fashioned, and lovely, with amazing accoustics. I'd recommend visiting if you get the chance.

This week Trevor got a new job that he'll be starting on Tuesday. He'll be working at Rent-A-Center doing a combination of delivery and office work. I think it will be a good change for him; he's been so anxious to be out of his last job.

The last thing of mild importance I want to share is my trip to Kohl's while Trevor was at practice one Saturday. I took pictures of all the things I saw that I would want if I could buy all new stuff for my kitchen. I know it's a ridiculous idea, but just enjoy the eye candy, sheesh:

Oh, I remembered something else! I found THE most absurd set of dishes I've ever seen. They've got a fish/ocean motif. Funniest thing:

mes nouvelles chaussures

Here are my sweet new shoes that I got last night for 6 bucks.

...Trevor needed new shoes, so of course I got some too.

The cool thing is that I've gone to the shoe store like 6 times in and I've wanted these shoes every time. Trevor even mentioned that I've tried them on every time he's been there with me. And each time I've been there, the price has been reduced more and more.

Finally they were cheap enough to get :)

Eyebrow Mishap

Waxed my eyebrows on Saturday. Face went red like always. Didn't go away, sort of like always. My face broke out intensely on Sunday morning where they waxed, and I got a freakish rash/breakout all across my forehead-eyebrow area.

Now I look like a weirdo. I almost stayed home from work today.

Vacation

It's official. Trevor and I are vacationing. We have yet to go on a real vacation since we've been married, and I think this is as close as we're going to get before we retire. We are going to visit Brett and Liz (Trevor's brother) in Ohio for our anniversary the first week in October. SAWEET! The craziest part about it is that we're DRIVING. You heard me; we're driving to Ohio...Happy anniversary! It should be fun, for the first 5 hours, then we'll just have to make do (or is it make due) for the other 20 hours. We'll spend 3 days there, and drive back. Woot! So if anyone wants to send them anything, you'll have to let us know, and we can take it.

Here's a picture of Trevor's band. They were taken by some chick Andrew knows. One of those people who takes pictures because their dad's a photographer and gave her a camera, but really, has like 50% of the skill real photographers have. The photographer they really wanted was "unavailable" (mostly because she wanted to be). Most of the pictures turned out to be unusable. Oh well, I guess, at least they got SOME pictures. Like 5. I like the way Trevor edited this one; he made the neon colors stand out perfectly! And I also like the circle one. It's a perfect example of what weirdos they all are. They can be a lot weirder than that, but just look at Andrew's face...yep, that's pretty much the norm :) And Ryan's dorky smile... Just in case some of you don't know, "A Horrible Night to Have a Curse" is the band name, and in the circle from left to right it goes: Ryan Heidt, Brian Dugger, Andrew Heidt, Zach Stark (Trevor and I like to call him Yach because when you text his name, that's what the predictive text calls him), and Trevor. Oh, and yeah, that's Trevor's hair covering up half of Zach's body.

I also thought you'd all like to see the shirt I almost bought at Hot Topic forever ago that started my obsession with dinosaurs. It says, "Meteors don't kill dinos, dinos kill dinos." Ha ha! Then the one dinosaur has the other dinosaur's head in his tummy, and the headless dino is just standing there, with no head! It's the best.

I also thought I'd tell everyone what I actually DID buy at HotTopic last weekend while we were there. (As a side note, I have no idea why we've been to HotTopic so much lately. We really aren't that insane about the store. In fact, generally, I find it has little to offer me. And Trevor finds they don't carry enough shirts of bands he likes. I think I've just been talking about it a lot because of the dino thing, and they seem to be the only place that has dino stuff.) I bought some red hair dye, but not the regular stuff that tints your hair burghundy. I mean, the stuff that puts bright red streaks in your hair. I tried it, but apparently you have to bleach your hair first in order for it to show up. Not sure I'm that committed. I would totally get it done professionally, but seeing as I don't have the cash to get my dino stuff, I most likely don't have the cash to spend $50 getting a couple streaks in my hair.

Green Bathroom

I want to redo my bathroom way bad. I've been really into green lately, and I even got some green towels already. I want some green bath mats. I would kill to be able to paint in our apartment; some green walls would be perfect! I've thought about just doing it despite what our complex says. If they didn't do random inspections, I totally would.

I'm actually sort of glad we don't have the money right now though because I haven't decided which way I want to go. Green is pretty versitile, and there are a lot of themes and feelings different combinations make. Hm...I'll have to give it some thought...And run the green idea past Trevor, of course... :)

I was thinking about why I feel the urge to do this... I think it might be because we were watching According to Jim last night, and they were redecorating...Wow, I'm susceptible.

(I think Trevor has a slight aversion to green, and I think it's because of his name...Anyone with a color last name might be able to understand.)

I just read this amazingly cynical blog, and it has made me want to use my last 18 minutes at work to make the world even more cynical. Too bad I have nothing specific to be cynical about, eh? Chyeah, too bad.

I spent literally, 8 of my 10 hours at work today doing non-work-related activities. How in the world did I pull that one off? I don't think farmers from the 1800s could have done that; but thank goodness for blogging and facebook and myspace and yahoo!news and email. It has allowed me to have a day full of mind stimulating-ness instead of mind bogging-down-ness.

I spent like an hour surfing the web...now that I say that out loud, I realize that a few years ago, I did not truly understand "surfing the web." But today is a perfect example. I start out by reading a simple news story, and somehow I'm led through the tunnels and chambers of the "world wide web" until I'm reading crap about Heir Soandso and the horrors he committed during the Holocaust, and checking out hundreds of pictures of piled up bodies. Why is it that you get sucked in to that? It's HORRIBLE stuff. You find yourself grateful that no one is around to witness your brain's inability to stop itself from searching out pictures of the twin victims of Heir Soandso's medical experiments. ...Maybe not everyone does that...

I DID do some wholesome stuff today though. I read a crap load of Harry Potter on my lunch break (ha ha! Sort of just realized that some would consider Harry Potter to be UNwholesome, in fact...witchcraft and sorcery, and all... I rock). And I read a lot of people's blogs and made myself feel like I was making up for not speaking to them for unknown amounts of time. That's wholesome, right?

Tonight I might clean the kitchen. Good old fashioned women's work is wholesome, right? Definitely. I'll just use my dishwasher and garbage disposal, and billions of chemicals to make it easier for me, then I can get it done in less than half an hour. I don't know what those ladies from the old times were complaining about--having to "work" all day. Psh.

Okay, I think I might be done with my cynicism for today. Besides, I only have 4 minutes left until I'm off, and I have to be ready to clock out at EXACTLY six o'clock. No way am I staying one second later. I already have to spend like 15 seconds longer at work after I clock out...you know, locking the doors and all. Dang world. Why do people have to steal things? I just want to be able to leave my house and not have to rummage through my purse (and mess everything up in there, I might add--I can never find my cell phone after I rummage) for my keys. And I want Trevor to be able to forget to put his iPod away without the risk of it being stolen.

Op. 5:59...

Dino Number 2 and 3

I found more dino stuff at Hot Topic... I want it so bad. Next time I have moolah, I'm totally getting one of them. Probably the belt...or the necklace...I'm glad we went to the mall that day. Trevor and I went with Ryan, Zach, and Andrew from the band so they could try to sell tickets for their show to some of the kids who wander aimlessly on holidays. That part was boring, but I am way glad I found that belt. It makes me happy :)

electric man strikes again

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net