Spilling the Beans

Alright, I can't keep it in any longer. I have this crazy desire to just puke out all my thoughts--so here we go.

I have been working out all week.

I know that sounds like a silly thing to want to keep secret, but I just couldn't say it out loud. I've been having such conflicting feelings about working out for SO long, I've just put it off and put it off. And honestly, I just never felt emotionally ready to commit. Whenever I used to think about exercising at the gym or something, I could never imagine myself getting more fit. I WANTED to be more fit, but I just couldn't see it happpening. And I didn't want to fail, and I wanted to focus on other goals. Maybe those sound like excuses to everyone else, but for me, this has been an extremely emotional process.

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling just like I said, like I just wasn't ready to put so much energy into something I couldn't even see myself being successful at, and something I wasn't sure I was wanting for the right reasons. But then 2 weeks ago, something just changed. I'd like to think it was all my mini-prayers I think in my head all the time, haha--for sure. But SOMETHING just made me stop and think--hm, yeah, okay, I can see me succeeding, so maybe I should try. Then VOILA! I saw that Curves was having their annual deal where they waive their $150 start-up fee if you donate a bag of groceries. Seriously, thank heavens! Because I have always hated the gym. I've tried Gold's Gym, local rec centers, the college gym, working out at home... and they all just BOTHER me. Going to the gym is just SO not inviting, and they're mostly full of people who are already fit. My face has and always will go the deepest shade of red you've ever seen when I exercise--it's just a part of me. That's not exactly a welcome fact when you're trying lift 50 pounds less than the guy working out next to you. I tried Curves with my mom when I was about 15 and I really enjoyed the atmosphere, so I decided I should give it a try again.

On Monday I made myself go to get the information I needed to start. I had to just stop thinking about all the details so I could let myself drive there and not turn around. That night when I got home I wrote in my journal about my plan--thinking that writing it down would just help me sort out all the details. My plan is to go right after work Monday through Thursday--that way I don't make it home and change my mind :) So next I wrote my weight loss goal down, and all of a sudden, I just started CRYING! AH! What the crap?! I guess I had a lot of emotion all gummed up inside of me that just needed to come out :S It was weird. I felt happy and scared and yet finally like I had a chance of getting to the physical place I want to be--and thus, in the emotional state that I want to be.

I've been really internal about all of this--which is super odd for me. I always tell Trevor everything I'm doing and most of what I'm thinking. But I didn't even tell him I was going to set things up at Curves. I think it's better for me to be as independent as possible about this. I need to not depend on ANYONE--even Trevor--to keep me motivated. Actually, just from past experience, I think I'd prefer if Trevor didn't really say ANYTHING about me going :) That might sound weird, but I want this to be about me. That's hard to say. But I don't do too many things just about me. I don't want it to be about the way Trevor wants me to be--I need it to only be about the way I want myself to be.

So, this week I met my goal of going every day after work. I know I said I wasn't going to say anything until after a week, and it's only been 4 days. But today I realized that I'd already met my goal for the week, so it would be okay to spill the beans. Haha, I say that like you've all been so anxious to hear a great surprise :) But I mean that it was me who was anxious to spill the beans.

And it has turned out that this week was the worst possible week for me to start. Which actually makes it even cooler that I actually finished! We started the week out with a messy kitchen--which is never a good sign. I usually try to clean it up all the way on the weekend so I don't have as much work to do on the weeknights. But no. I think it was because Trevor was SUPER sick, and I wasn't feeling that well either. Tuesday and Thursday I had relief society stuff, and Trevor worked late practically every day. Hopefully it can only go up-hill from here :) Or at least not down-hill.

I really enjoy the routine they have at Curves. For anyone who doesn't know, they recommend you go 3 times a week for 30 minutes each time. They have their machines set up in a circle, alternating between workout machine and a pad for exercising in place. You spend 30 seconds at each station and make the circuit twice which equals 30 minutes. I love LOVE it because you don't have to sit at one machine and do 50 reps for 10 minutes, and you don't have to run on a treadmill for 30 minutes. The point is to keep your heart rate high enough the whole time and work out your whole body. And FOR SURE it does. I don't think I've EVER been able to work out so much of my body at a time before.

Anyways. So now you know. Seems like working out is something that a lot of people just DO, and they have it engrained into their routine and their minds so it's just normal for them. But not for me, no sir. How do YOU GUYS exercise? How do you find time? How did you come to get used to doing it all the time? Interesting to know...

Thanks for listening :) Feels good to get it out.