How Church is Going--3 Months

Sew.

Here's an update on the whole church thing.

I'm getting back into the flow of church being a regular thing. At first it seemed like Sunday came way too often, but I'm actually surprised how little time its taken for me to get used to it. This week will be 3 months. I'm preparing myself for the novelty to wear off, and for thing to get hard again sometime in the near future, but for now, it's mostly okay.

Right now, I really, really just don't want to have to worry about getting up on Sundays. Waking up to no alarm clock on Saturdays is the best part of my whole week (at least ONE of the best). I realize that as my life changes, with kids and other things, Saturdays won't always be like that. Maybe then, I'll be grateful for a 9 AM "late start" on Sundays. When spring and summer get here, I'll probably have to nix the Saturday sleep-ins for photography sessions--but that's FUN :)

Thinking about churchy things throughout the week has been a different experience than I remember. Yeesh, lookit me, I sound like I've been away for eons. I'm telling you though, it is so easy to forget. Different periods in my life have shown me that scripture study and prayer come more easily at different times. But I have never had so much in my life direct me towards reading daily. My mind hasn't ever felt so open to the concepts and guidance in the scriptures. I feel like this is one gigantic mercy Heavenly Father has decided I need right now, and I'm incredibly grateful.

It's not all easy; it's not all hard. Some things will take lots of time to make right. But I'm here. I'm doing my best to be a part things.

We hear all the time (and it's so easy to start thinking of it as cliche; try not to though) that God's hand is always outstretched, we just need to take it. Or that the door is there, we just need to knock. It's true. My back was turned, not his. It's so easy to feel like we have to climb this huge mountain in order to be spiritual. That God waits for us to get far enough and then decides to help us if we've gone far enough. That's SO wrong. As soon as we decide to climb, He's there. As soon as we think about getting ready to climb, He encourages us; and we can feel His encouragement if we listen. Soon, other peaks and valleys that seemed impossible to begin with, aren't so bad once you get there.

Also, today I ate a Snickers bar. An entire candy bar, all to myself. It's been years. There's something so delicious and satisfying about eating a whole regular sized candy bar all by yourself, especially when there's no guilt for actually buying it yourself--we had some extras at work they were giving away. I could feel the calories sliding down my throat and settling in my stomach, but they were glorious, and I was willing.

smell in fridge, ruined soup, shred, new calling, and church

I haven't posted yet this week, so I thought I'd share what's been going on. Nothing super fantastic. Mostly normal stuff.

• The smell in our freezer/fridge is going away--Oh wait. I don't think I told you about that. Basically, one day there suddenly came a horrible stench from our freezer mostly, and filled our fridge, ruining 90% of its contents. We threw away at least $50 worth of food, if not closer to $100. Basically, anything not sealed tighter than Superman could open tasted like... nasty. When we cleaned everything out there wasn't even anything super old or rotting that had obviously caused the smell. It's a mystery. We spent a week or so with a mostly empty fridge, trying a new remedy each day. Lysol, bleach, baking soda, vinegar, vanilla... just a few. For now, we have a freezer that just smells like off vinegar, and we're sealing all our food, like, triple. 

• Speaking of bad food. I recently had one of the worst food foibles of my life. Remember this delicious butternut squash soup? Yeah, the one that takes an hour to roast the squash? Well, lucky me, I used cream that had gone sour and ruined the whole batch. Needless to say, Wendy's never tasted so blah after that. 

• What else is going on... I started Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. This evening will be day 6. It was incredibly hard the first 2 days, and now it's getting better. But it's still really difficult. 20 minutes of intense workout, at home, where I don't have to drive anywhere, or wear appealing clothing, and I'm allowed to pant and grunt as much as I need to because no one can hear. I make Trevor stay in another room while I exercise--best idea ever. 

• I'm now officially the Relief Society accompanist. Who'd have guessed? ;) I was expecting it, and hoping for it, actually. When I was set apart, it was said that I could use my calling as a means of healing some of the old hurts I have, and using the spirit of music to move forward with my spiritual goals. I totally 100% agree. I always feel like the pianist is the luckiest person in the room. I love playing prelude music, and I feel like I'm getting the long end of the stick by being able to sit and enjoy it. I don't even know if other people listen that much. 

• I bore my testimony in church and completely ruined it. Five seconds after getting up to the mic I became one of those ladies who talks like a mouse and pauses for unknown amounts of time. After that my goal changed from bearing testimony to just saying a few sentences that would actually make sense to the congregation and sitting back down as quickly as possible. I even snorted uncontrollably as I was heading back down. Oh gosh. And I have to show my face there again.
• I'm speaking in church this Sunday. I don't know what came over the bishopric to make them think I'll be any different than last time, but okay. I just need to steer clear of anything that invites the spirit, then I won't cry. Sounds like a terrific plan.
• Lastly, this hasn't happened yet, but I'm looking forward to it a bushelfull. My sister-in-law and my niece are coming for a visit tomorrow! We are going to have loads of fun :)

Eye problems, and more church.

Mmkay, so a couple of things. Regarding two drastically different topics.

I have some sort of eye freak-out going on, and I can't see very well. I've had really dry eyes for like, a couple of months. Especially at night. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, and my eyes will be ridiculously dry--so dry I can barely open them. I'm a contacts person. I've worn them almost every day for like, 13 years, or something like that. I wear my glasses when my eyes get tired or whatever.

Over the weekend, my eyes started getting more and more dry, and started to sting like crazy even during the day time, and especially when I wasn't wearing my contacts. It started to get a bit unbearable on Sunday/Monday. I almost couldn't drive to work on Monday, but I suffered through, and luckily I didn't get in any accidents. Monday night, I basically spent the whole evening turning off lights where ever I went, keeping my eyes shut, and holding cold cloths over my eyes. I tried some basic dry eyes and irritation reliever eye drops, but they didn't seem to help.

Yesterday, I was trying so hard to function, but by the time I got out driving, I could barely keep my eyes open long enough to see to turn into the closest parking lot on my way to work. Needless to say, I sobbed for 5 minutes before hysterically calling Trevor to tell him I was going blind having a hard time seeing. Luckily, my brother-in-law was at home for the morning and he rescued me, took me to the eye doctor, and suffered my eyes crying involuntarily for a couple of hours.

Turns out, I have an infection that isn't really an infection that has caused infiltrates on my corneas. Apparently my white blood cells are gathering to fight something off, causing my corneas to feel scratched. It sounds to me like it's one of those diagnosis they give for all sorts of generic problems, but whatev. I got an antibiotic eye drop and was told to use an extra moisturizing drop too. They said it can be caused by dryness, pollution, or sickness, any and all kinds.

Whatever the reason, I'm glad my eyes aren't burning my face off any more. I'm still having a hard time with light, and my vision is still a bit blurry, but I was able to drive to work this morning. Thank goodness for the overcast sky today!

I have to wear my glasses for at least a week, and it might be recurring :/ Idunno how I feel about that.

Um, also, I went to Relief Society on Sunday. It was okay. I sat in the very front row, and it felt like I was alone with the teacher, and that actually helped. I was less distracted by being able to see everyone in the room. I also attended my ward's New Member meeting, so there's no turning back now. The ward leadership is now aware of me and my woes.

I've been reading The Book of Mormon during breakfast the last couple weeks, and it actually hasn't felt like a chore. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you want to.

In church we focused on the two "great commandments" specifically laid out in Matthew 22:

 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

 38 This is the first and great commandment.

 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

And in my study, I've been feeling uplifted as I read Mormon and Ether. That, all by itself is kind of surprising, since both books are basically all about generations of people who fall away. In Ether 12:9 it says:

 Wherefore, ye may also have hope, and be partakers of the gift, if ye will but have faith.

Combined, I feel a great sense of ease. My small decisions to do right are more easily done, and I feel ready to think about other people besides myself. It seems like in a matter of weeks I've gotten over my fear of serving extra, having a calling, participating. I started to feel incredibly sorry for leaving my ward without a pianist--while I"m grateful for the sister's effort and time it takes to plunk out the melody of an opening hymn, I can't help but feel like I've been selfish to withhold something I can so easily offer. I want to hurry and get to know some of these people so I can stop feeling so isolated, and do my part.

I'm determined to be less contentious at home, less quick to judge; I'm basically failing at this so far. And I'm sure Trevor finds me incredibly hypocritical and changeable when I forget. And I'm trying to let my faith take over in my life. Believing in God isn't about being certain. It's about giving a feeling a chance. I'm only able to be fully aware of how deep my faith runs when I allow myself to feel it, and when I do, it feels like I'm rewarded with extra bits of goodness. I still have lengths and bounds to go before I'll really be used to everything, and probably eons before I'm back on top of all my responsibilities. But my foot is in the door--no, maybe my leg.

One Month of Church

I figured it's about time for an update on that horrible post I had to write about going back to church a few weeks back. Exposing my gigantic flaws to the interwebs is indeed horrible, however motivating and liberating.

I guess my first goal with this whole thing has been to simply get back in the habit of GOING to church. That involves going to bed at a reasonable hour on Saturday night, getting up on time Sunday morning, driving in the cold, and deciding which of my church paraphernalia to tote along with me. The latter wasn't as hard as it used to be, given that I don't exactly have any responsibilities at church yet that require carrying a bunch of crap. Allowing my mind to be okay with giving up one of the only two nights I'm allowed to stay up late, and one of the only two mornings I'm allowed to sleep in, is a bit of a struggle. People who don't care about the hours of 10 PM to 2 AM on Saturday nights probably have no idea what it means to be sleeping during this time instead of doing whatever the heck you want. Watching back to back episodes of Monk, or that Stephen Hawking mini-series is so much more fun than going to bed at 11:00. Reading an extra 50 pages in my book club book is so much more satisfying; being awake for a midnight snack is something I look forward to on the weekends!  And at this point, the only reason it's worth it isn't because being at church is so much more interesting or immediately fulfilling. Honestly, it's more worth it because I know how I feel when I'm not doing it. I assure you, going to sleep while your husband plays is less than thrilling.

My second goal has been to actually pay attention in my meetings and focus on as many good things as I can. By default, this means that doing the opposite is to be minimized. For example, making it to Sunday School, but texting Trevor or checking facebook on my phone while I'm there probably isn't the best use of my time. Why did I go to bed early just to waste being here? Also, letting myself get distracted by all the things there are to be distracted: the universal smell that fills a room when too many people are crammed in and they're breathing; the sound of twenty babies under nursery age crying; people going off on tangents, giving advice about other churches they've gone to that turned out to be cults, or talking about the Jazz or democrats in Utah; you know, that kind of thing. I just have to take a deep breath and let it roll off me. Everyone is a person too, no matter how annoying I let them seem. Besides, they're obviously doing better at life than I am since they're always at church no matter when I decide to randomly go. BUT--focusing on as many GOOD things as I can; that's the real goal. I read along. I search for lessons I can apply to myself, and answers to questions I have. I try to feel the spirit that the teachers or speakers obviously feel. I usually find it and feel it when I'm being patient and open to those around me.

They say you make a habit out of something after 21 days... How long when you do it once a week? Longer? I feel my habit forming after accomplishing the routine 4 consecutive times. Though, I'm worried about adding more layers before I'm ready to carry more. I've been surprised at my feelings toward Relief Society. At 18 when I first joined Relief Society, and even for a few years after that, it was a great source of support and comfort for me. A few years ago when I stopped attending, my responsibilities in Relief Society and the atmosphere were actually the brunt of a lot of my anxiety. I'm trying to slowly but steadily remind myself of the TRUE purpose behind callings and the fellowshipping that goes on in Relief Society between women. A few years ago I began to feel like my calling was too much for me to handle on my own. That I wasn't known or valued as myself, but only as my calling. I began to feel distanced from the sisters around me--I felt alone in a room full of women my age. I didn't feel like any fellowship I GAVE was genuine, and I didn't feel what I RECEIVED was genuine either. I didn't want it to be genuine, on the one hand; I just want to be left alone to feel the spirit sometimes. But on the other, I wanted to be loved. I know the majority of what I was feeling was caused by my own lack of effort and a dependence on others around me to keep me spiritual. But it's a scary thought to go back to that world where I was feeling so torn. I'm worried that a calling will bring too much pressure; I'm worried that I'll be reminded over and over of all that I still need to do.

Next week is Stake Conference, so I guess I have almost two weeks to prepare myself for going to Relief Society when normal church resumes. I just need to keep reminding myself of my first impressions of Relief Society, and not those I created later on during a hard time in my own life. Why am I dedicating so much effort and time to becoming an active member, but ignoring a third of church? Doesn't make sense.

The reintroduction of prayer in my life is an uncomfortable step. Never before in my entire life have I felt uncomfortable praying to my Heavenly Father. In a way, though, I've felt my sporadic prayers have been more honest because I have to think extra hard about what I'm saying. My mind isn't used to easily recalling what I'm supposed to pray about, so I'm forced to really think about what I actually want to say to God. I have the feeling this is going to be a long term goal, but I'm going to be finding ways to remind myself to pray. Communication with God is one thing that keeps me from ignoring what I'm avoiding.

Most of all, I want to reaffirm to myself that what I'm doing isn't out of guilt. Guilt is an important part of repentance. But guilt is also a false motivator. It's a distraction. I don't want such a huge factor in my life to be motivated by feelings of remorse for something I haven't done. I AM still motivated by the lack of spirituality my life has contained at various points; but it's not healthy to constantly feel the need to be at church or else God will bring his wrath down upon you. Or to be bogged down by remorse for weaknesses. Remorse needs its day in the sun, but reminders of hope, love, compassion, and redemption are much more motivating.

I'm looking for ways to personalize all those phrases we hear all the time about the Savior. He died for us. He redeemed the world. He atoned for our sins. He saved us. I know why we say these things--because as Christians, we do believe he literally did them. It's difficult for me to remember how I used to feel when I thought of it though. Sometimes I feel like there's a blank in my mind when I try to recall. Like the rug is being pulled out from under my brain when I try to remember the spirit I used to feel. THIS is the largest reason I am going to church, why I'm part of religion. I have a Father, and a purpose. And a big part of that purpose hinges on understanding Christ's sacrifices for me.

Good luck to me! Haha :) I HOPE I have luck. And good luck to all of YOU this month. Be grateful for what you have.

Going back to church...

I decided I wanted to briefly write about a specific topic for a couple of reasons. I've been, like, 99% inactive at church for a couple years. My heart has been active, but my body has not, if that makes sense. I've usually kept this private, for probably obvious reasons, but after a lot of thinking, I decided I want to talk about it. It will be good for me to vocalize some of the things I've been feeling, as well as, maybe, hopefully, help others who may be in the same boat as me not feel alone. I've tried hiding my feelings so I would always have an out if things got too hard. I don't want that out anymore.

I've always felt fairly responsible and independent when it comes to my spirituality. I developed a real testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints over a period of time from age 12-18, which I firmly maintained. I held strongly to my testimony through thick and thin. I learned what I still believe is truth. I believe I received confirmation to my questions and doubts through the Spirit, and I don't think I'll ever be able to doubt what I've felt, even if I want to. I was endowed and sealed to my husband in the temple, and I'll always be thankful for the knowledge I gained and spirit I felt there. I believe it is what has kept me from lazily turning my back completely on everything I know is true.

I gradually became less active at church after a couple of years of marriage when there were less people to be accountable to, and when my husband became less active. Trevor's journey is his; this is mine. So I won't go much into his.

If you've ever gone to church, any church, you know what it's like to be faced with the task of being patient and kind to those who annoy you. This bothersome task, coupled with always being alone at church, is what initially started to keep me away. I continued to have a testimony in the gospel and knew what was right and wrong but I chose to ignore it and believed I could go back any time me and my husband were ready to go together. I gave up my callings. To avoid the pain of sitting through countless lessons and talks about eternal families, spiritual homes, and going to the temple with a spouse, I started to compartmentalize my priorities. In my mind, church became more painful than helpful. I knew I was letting it, but it wasn't worth not letting it.

Life goes on, surprisingly, when you don't go to church. Family still hangs out with you, work still happens, you still have goals, priorities, and standards to live by. We lead a life fairly close to that of a lot of Mormons--we don't drink or smoke, we try to be compassionate and giving, and have even gone through periods of time reading scriptures diligently or praying daily. I think that's why it's been so easy to just let things go for so long. I've become complacent, ignoring occasional bouts of sadness that my life lacks true spirituality and a closeness to God I used to have, preferring to focus my attentions on problems I felt were truly solvable, like sharing chores, starting a photography business, surviving unemployment, putting a spouse through college, and a whole bundle of good old regular marital issues like give-and take and sexual compatibility. It's easy to let everything else be the only problems you have to deal with. Why add something you don't need? See, when you're married, your lives become fused. You rely on each other for practically everything, even when you think you're independent. Even when one partner has a goal, it's nearly un-accomplish-able without the support of the other. We weren't ready to go back to church together, so I wasn't ready.

It's high time I say out loud I know that's not really true; it's not the right way to think about the whole situation.

Over the last few months, it's been harder and harder for me to ignore the hole in my life. It's more than just a conditioning I've had my whole life that now I'm without. I'm not the person I could be or want to be. And really, even though it seems like such a huge mountain to climb, I'm not that far away from where I'd like to be. And I can't keep pretending that my husband and I will one day be able to turn around "when we're ready."

I think only some of you will know what it means to actually admit that. It means I can't keep saying, "When we have kids, I'll go back," or "I'm not REALLY all that different than I used to be."

I knew I was further away from my last spiritual encounter than I thought, but last Sunday really proved it to me. Two weeks ago I decided I'd go. And some of you will know what it means to make a promise to yourself for which you have a week to think about before you act. As Sunday got closer, my resolve weakened, just as it has almost every other time I've determined to go. Everything was a reason not to go. All the hurting and loneliness I felt all those times sitting alone during Sacrament Meeting, or during Sunday School (or worse, sitting with a family who has perfect attendance) came back to me and reminded me why I don't go. The night before church was New Year's Eve, and I was up really late. The services started at 9:00 AM. I literally had to dust my scriptures before picking them up. And I really hate my church clothes.

I've gotten to this point several times over the last few years. I've even gone and survived a week or two in a row. But this time... I feel something different. I really feel that it won't be so hard to give up 3 hours every Sunday. I know there's more to it than that--there's the praying and the scriptures, and the tithing, the callings (Oh, gosh, the callings), the visiting teaching, and the being known only as the lady who plays the piano and sits alone. And let's face it, I really don't want to think about the possibility of giving up things like Dexter and super gory zombie movies.

I'm not worrying about those things right now though. I went to church last Sunday. And being the first of the new year, there was a lot of talk about goals, and what we'll be learning this year. We had the standard talk about The Book of Mormon being the keystone of our testimonies, and we read the Intro to the Book of Mormon. There were super annoying people in my class who wouldn't shut up about their off-topic tangents and cliche answers, and there were smelly-old-person-breath people and crying babies. And I almost WISHED that I wouldn't feel the spirit so I wouldn't have to be there. But my heart was open, and in contrast to the "remembered" feeling of church (that it's elitist, and driven by guilt, and not as potent as we think), I actually FELT church. I was reminded that the gospel is offered as hope, not as an exclusive club. And the root of that hope is Christ and The Book of Mormon. It doesn't matter what else I've forgotten, what else I'm confused about, or about what else I need reminding. I felt that hope again last week, and I can't deny it.

I've never led a life TOO far from what it should be, but it's been far enough that I've lacked daily and weekly reminders from the spirit that what I'm doing is right. I might have felt the spirit strongly on a monthly basis for various reasons--family get-togethers, conference, random bouts of praying or reading the Ensign, or joining in other family's prayers. But it just isn't the same as feeling it every week, and being reminded of my testimony on a daily basis.

I'm determined to make attending my weekly meetings a priority. I know I can't handle tackling all my faults at once, so I'm not going to stress out about everything at once. I need to get my mind and body in the routine of being there again. And I'm determined to not let my guilt and faults, or my responsibility to be an example to my spouse, consume my hope. I'm not ashamed of who I am. It's not about what I lack, it's about what I'm capable of.

I completely realize that to some people who read this, it's going to sound the same as all the other testimonies out there. I know exactly what you're thinking. But maybe my sharing this can give someone the courage to try again too. Courage... That's the word that stuck out to me during the sacrament hymn, and I've been thinking about it all week. Courage is what I need to ignore the easy route.

And silently we pray for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey.

I'm thankful that we sing at church. It is the easiest way for me to feel the spirit of written words.

That's all for now, until next week, I suppose. I'm pushing "publish" and I promise I won't unpublish.