Chuck Wendig's Butternut Squash Soup

Mmm mmm :) It was hard to wait to eat it even to take this picture!

Hi goobers!

Trevor and I tried another of Chuck Wendig's recipes. He has a blog called TerribleMinds and occasionally fills the world in on these earth shattering recipes he makes up.

We've made his pork butt, and his pasta, which I've named Autumn Pasta, and you can check out that recipe here.

Anywho, I like to share with all you, my friends, the clean versions of these recipes, although, I kinda do still recommend you read through Chuck's because he's just hilarious. My version actually has measurements though. So there's always that.

We LOVED this soup; both of us. And that's pretty amazing since Trevor doesn't really do soup. But leave it to Chuck to convince Trevor to eat squash when I've been trying for 5 years.

I'm not bitter though.

This was a smooth, creamy, warm, chunky, and perfectly spicy soup. One of the things I love about all of Chuck's recipes is that most of the ingredients and amounts are up to you. If you don't like something, don't include it; if you don't have something, don't use it; if you want more carrot, use more carrot. So feel free to adjust these measurements to your own taste.

Try it, and enjoy!

You need (lots o' stuff):

1 butternut squash

1 medium onion
olive oil (approx 1/4 cup)
1 tablespoon kosher salt
ground pepper
1 teaspoon cayenne powder
herbs de provence OR 1-2 teaspoons of other herbs like: italian seasoning, sage, rosemary, parsley
2 carrots
2 celery sticks
2 tablespoons olive oil
2-4 cloves minced garlic
1/4 cup water, optional
2 cups chicken broth (plus another cup if you like it thinner)
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
1/2 cup heavy cream (plus another cup if you like it creamier)
1 pound ground country sausage
1 leek
1 tablespoon butter
1 teaspoon red wine vinegar

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
2. Start by peeling the squash with a vegetable peeler. Cut it in half and scoop out the seedy parts. 
3. Dice the squash into 1/2 inch pieces and layer onto a baking sheet or roasting pan lined with foil.
4. Largely chop the onion and combine with the squash on the pan.
5. Coat the squash and onion with olive oil; make sure it's all covered.
6. Sprinkle with salt, pepper, and spices. Mix to coat. 
7. Bake in the oven for approximately 1 hour, or until the vegetables start to caramelize. 
8. While your squash is baking, you can start the other ingredients: The stock, sausage, and leeks.
9. Peel and dice the carrots and celery, and begin cooking with minced garlic and oil over medium heat in a large pot. Saute for 10-15 minutes while they get softer, adding water as needed.
10. Fry the ground sausage in a skillet and set aside.
11. Wash and slice the leek into rings. "Melt" the leeks in butter over medium heat in a skillet with red wine vinegar. Cook for approximately 5-10 minutes. Set aside and keep warm.
12. When the squash is baked, combine it with the carrot and celery in the pot. Add broth and apple cider vinegar and simmer for 10 minutes.
13. Blend the contents of the pot. Chuck recommends using a blender, but I don't have one, so I used an immersion blender. Blend it until it is as smooth as you like. 
14. Return to medium heat and add cream. This is where you add more broth or cream until the soup is the consistency you like. 
15. Add the sausage to the soup, and make sure it's all warm.
16. Serve with leeks.

Trevor thinks he might like it better without the sausage--the whole dish is VERY flavorful. But I personally think the sausage makes the soup. We will probably be doing variations with shredded chicken or mushrooms. Mmm, can you imagine halved mushrooms in this??

Let me know what you think! 

Go here to read Chuck's full recipe for "Butternut Squash that will kick you in the butternuts."

UPDATE*****
09/23/2012
We made this again with a smoked sausage and it was superb! I recommend using 2 cups of cream, and adding at least 2 more cups of chicken broth after you've blended. Add them in increments so you can decide on your own how thick you want it. Adding cream makes it less spicy, but it is VERY spicy still. If you're worried about how hot it will be, add half the cayenne, and tone down the pepper before roasting.

Here's some more photos :)

[Shrimp & Pineapple Tikka] + [Spinach & Paneer]

I've just taken my first 10 bites of Spinach and Paneer, and it is kind of exciting in my mouth!

I traveled, literally, all over the valley trying to find an Indian market. I got turned away so many times :( But after visiting two Asian markets, finding the largest Indian market in Salt Lake recently closed, and finding one store completely invisible, I FINALLY found one open and CLOSE TO MY HOUSE! (Why I didn't go there first, we'll never know.)

My new favorite place is called Qaderi Sweetz N Spicez. Yeah, crazy name. But whatevs. It's on 3546 South Redwood in the middle of a pretty Mexican gangster strip mall. The second I walked in, the clerk was super helpful and nice. So go!

As a follow up to my last Indian food post, I found ghee! It was at my local Fresh Market; whodathunk? Not me, that's for sure. You know that teensy section of Indian food most grocery stores have next to all the Asian food? It's right there (not in the dairy section), jarred, and waiting for you.

Here's my initial take on ghee. I'm going to give it another shot, but I'm not entirely sure I love the flavor. I don't know enough words to describe it any differently than you'd describe butter, but it's different. 

On to the food!

This week I made two dishes, a shrimp dish and a spinach dish. Here goes:

SHRIMP + PINEAPPLE TIKKA

If you've ever wondered what an Indian restaurant smells like, this is it.

India is HUGE, guys. There are so many different areas and cultures within cultures, especially when it comes to cuisine. And a lot of the people on the coasts eat tons of seafood (so my cookbook tells me). So I thought I'd try my hand at a dry fish dish. Lots of Indian food is saucy, so I was interested to try this recipe. It turned out to smell very Indian, and taste very Indian, but I wasn't ecstatic over it. I don't think I'll make it again. I think it was just a little TOO much for me. It's made with a bunch of brown and yellow seeds, and none of the sweeter red powders and chiles. That's not to say someone out there won't like it when they try it.

1 tsp cumin seeds
1 tsp coriander seeds
1/2 tsp fennel seeds
1/2 tsp yellow mustard seeds
1/4 tsp fenugreek seeds
1/4 tsp nigella seeds
pinch of chili powder
2 tbsp pineapple juice from the can
about 3/4 pound of medium size shrimp, peeled, deveined, and tails left in-tact
an equal amount of pineapple chunks from a can or fresh
salt
chopped cilantro

I didn't use fenugreek seeds, but fenugreek powder instead (about half the amount it calls for in seeds). I also didn't use nigella seeds because I couldn't find them, or cilantro because Trevor doesn't really like it.

Dry roast all the seeds together in a pan. This means you put them over medium high heat in a pan with NO oil for a few minutes until they start to get warm and aromatic. Stir them constantly and take them out of the pan quickly before they burn.

Now, this is where you have to get tricky. You're supposed to mash all those seeds up with salt and chili powder in a mortar and pestle or a spice grinder. Idunno about you, but I don't have either of those. So I just used an old pepper grinder; worked like a charm. Just get it as fine as you can.

Stir in pineapple (or lemon) juice to the ground up seeds. Add your shrimp to the mixture and let it marinate for at least 10 minutes.

Preheat the broiler, stick your shrimpies and your pineapplies on your skewers, and broil for 2-3 minutes on each side.

SPINACH + PANEER

Like I was saying before, India's got a lot of character! In some places, practically everyone is vegetarian. I read that they use a homemade cheese called paneer to get a lot of their protein they'd normally get from meat. Cheese? Um, yes, please. I was sad when I couldn't find paneer at the regular grocery store or at the Asian stores, but I found it at Qaderi's! You can make your own, which is probably what real Indians do, but I'm not that dedicated :) It tastes like cheese, and it's harder than cream cheese, but softer than cheddar. It tastes like strong milk, with a pretty warm flavor.

I liked this dish a lot more than the shrimp one. Who doesn't love creamy spinach and cheese?

6 tbsp ghee (or vegetable oil)
12 ounces paneer, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
1 1/2 tbsp garlic and ginger paste (just make your own)
1 fresh green chile
4 tbsp water
1 medium onion, finely chopped
1 pound fresh spinach leaves, stem removed
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp garam masala
4 tbsp heavy cream
lemon wedges

I didn't use lemon wedges. But take a look, really the only crazy thing in this recipe is garam masala, which is really just a blend of a bunch of spices like pepper, cloves, cumin, cardamom, nutmeg, anise, cinnamon, ginger, fennel and whatever else they decide to through in. It's serious business, but I have no idea how they do it.

Heat the ghee over medium high in a large skillet or casserole and add the paneer pieces in a single layer. Pan fry for about 5 minutes till all the sides are browned. Paneer isn't like cheddar; it won't all melt and it says pretty intact. Remove the cheese to a paper towel covered plate.

To make a garlic and ginger paste, just chop up equal parts (or whatever ratio you want) ginger and garlic. Then start smooshing it with your knife, spreading it across the cutting board while you pulverize. You can add a little salt to make it easier. Add your paste, onion,  and finely diced chile to your hot ghee in the pan and cook until the onions are soft but not brown. Add water if necessary.

Wash the spinach and add it to the pan without removing too much of the water from the leaves. Add salt. Cover and let the spinach wilt, stirring occasionally. Add cream and garam masala. Serve with lemon.

This will be yummy!

One Month of Church

I figured it's about time for an update on that horrible post I had to write about going back to church a few weeks back. Exposing my gigantic flaws to the interwebs is indeed horrible, however motivating and liberating.

I guess my first goal with this whole thing has been to simply get back in the habit of GOING to church. That involves going to bed at a reasonable hour on Saturday night, getting up on time Sunday morning, driving in the cold, and deciding which of my church paraphernalia to tote along with me. The latter wasn't as hard as it used to be, given that I don't exactly have any responsibilities at church yet that require carrying a bunch of crap. Allowing my mind to be okay with giving up one of the only two nights I'm allowed to stay up late, and one of the only two mornings I'm allowed to sleep in, is a bit of a struggle. People who don't care about the hours of 10 PM to 2 AM on Saturday nights probably have no idea what it means to be sleeping during this time instead of doing whatever the heck you want. Watching back to back episodes of Monk, or that Stephen Hawking mini-series is so much more fun than going to bed at 11:00. Reading an extra 50 pages in my book club book is so much more satisfying; being awake for a midnight snack is something I look forward to on the weekends!  And at this point, the only reason it's worth it isn't because being at church is so much more interesting or immediately fulfilling. Honestly, it's more worth it because I know how I feel when I'm not doing it. I assure you, going to sleep while your husband plays is less than thrilling.

My second goal has been to actually pay attention in my meetings and focus on as many good things as I can. By default, this means that doing the opposite is to be minimized. For example, making it to Sunday School, but texting Trevor or checking facebook on my phone while I'm there probably isn't the best use of my time. Why did I go to bed early just to waste being here? Also, letting myself get distracted by all the things there are to be distracted: the universal smell that fills a room when too many people are crammed in and they're breathing; the sound of twenty babies under nursery age crying; people going off on tangents, giving advice about other churches they've gone to that turned out to be cults, or talking about the Jazz or democrats in Utah; you know, that kind of thing. I just have to take a deep breath and let it roll off me. Everyone is a person too, no matter how annoying I let them seem. Besides, they're obviously doing better at life than I am since they're always at church no matter when I decide to randomly go. BUT--focusing on as many GOOD things as I can; that's the real goal. I read along. I search for lessons I can apply to myself, and answers to questions I have. I try to feel the spirit that the teachers or speakers obviously feel. I usually find it and feel it when I'm being patient and open to those around me.

They say you make a habit out of something after 21 days... How long when you do it once a week? Longer? I feel my habit forming after accomplishing the routine 4 consecutive times. Though, I'm worried about adding more layers before I'm ready to carry more. I've been surprised at my feelings toward Relief Society. At 18 when I first joined Relief Society, and even for a few years after that, it was a great source of support and comfort for me. A few years ago when I stopped attending, my responsibilities in Relief Society and the atmosphere were actually the brunt of a lot of my anxiety. I'm trying to slowly but steadily remind myself of the TRUE purpose behind callings and the fellowshipping that goes on in Relief Society between women. A few years ago I began to feel like my calling was too much for me to handle on my own. That I wasn't known or valued as myself, but only as my calling. I began to feel distanced from the sisters around me--I felt alone in a room full of women my age. I didn't feel like any fellowship I GAVE was genuine, and I didn't feel what I RECEIVED was genuine either. I didn't want it to be genuine, on the one hand; I just want to be left alone to feel the spirit sometimes. But on the other, I wanted to be loved. I know the majority of what I was feeling was caused by my own lack of effort and a dependence on others around me to keep me spiritual. But it's a scary thought to go back to that world where I was feeling so torn. I'm worried that a calling will bring too much pressure; I'm worried that I'll be reminded over and over of all that I still need to do.

Next week is Stake Conference, so I guess I have almost two weeks to prepare myself for going to Relief Society when normal church resumes. I just need to keep reminding myself of my first impressions of Relief Society, and not those I created later on during a hard time in my own life. Why am I dedicating so much effort and time to becoming an active member, but ignoring a third of church? Doesn't make sense.

The reintroduction of prayer in my life is an uncomfortable step. Never before in my entire life have I felt uncomfortable praying to my Heavenly Father. In a way, though, I've felt my sporadic prayers have been more honest because I have to think extra hard about what I'm saying. My mind isn't used to easily recalling what I'm supposed to pray about, so I'm forced to really think about what I actually want to say to God. I have the feeling this is going to be a long term goal, but I'm going to be finding ways to remind myself to pray. Communication with God is one thing that keeps me from ignoring what I'm avoiding.

Most of all, I want to reaffirm to myself that what I'm doing isn't out of guilt. Guilt is an important part of repentance. But guilt is also a false motivator. It's a distraction. I don't want such a huge factor in my life to be motivated by feelings of remorse for something I haven't done. I AM still motivated by the lack of spirituality my life has contained at various points; but it's not healthy to constantly feel the need to be at church or else God will bring his wrath down upon you. Or to be bogged down by remorse for weaknesses. Remorse needs its day in the sun, but reminders of hope, love, compassion, and redemption are much more motivating.

I'm looking for ways to personalize all those phrases we hear all the time about the Savior. He died for us. He redeemed the world. He atoned for our sins. He saved us. I know why we say these things--because as Christians, we do believe he literally did them. It's difficult for me to remember how I used to feel when I thought of it though. Sometimes I feel like there's a blank in my mind when I try to recall. Like the rug is being pulled out from under my brain when I try to remember the spirit I used to feel. THIS is the largest reason I am going to church, why I'm part of religion. I have a Father, and a purpose. And a big part of that purpose hinges on understanding Christ's sacrifices for me.

Good luck to me! Haha :) I HOPE I have luck. And good luck to all of YOU this month. Be grateful for what you have.

Chicken Tikka Masala

Trevor got me an Indian cook book for Christmas and I've finally prepared enough to actually make something from it! It's kind of intimidating looking at all the steps and ingredients it takes to make an Indian dish. But for my first, I chose a pretty mild and simple dish. It was insanely good! I'll definitely be making it again, and trying out some others. So keep an eye out, if you're interested in cooking Indian food.

This recipe is for Chicken Tikka Masala. And I'd say, it's a great beginner's place to start, if you've never had Indian food. We're by no means experts. In fact, we're still relatively new at eating Indian food. But this is a great place to start if you're not sure you'd like Indian or are nervous about not being able to sleep after :) There are plenty of variations of this recipe, ranging in complexity. Feel free to explore your options of different spices you can add (like tumeric, garam masala, and ginger.

Here's what you need:

2 Tablespoons ghee (or vegetable oil)
1 red or green chili, minced
1 large garlic clove, minced
4 teaspoons paprika
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 teaspoon salt (or to taste)
pepper
3 cooked chicken breasts, cut into pieces (or a whole chicken)
1 1/4 cup heavy cream
14 ounce can diced tomatoes
cilantro

For coconut rice:
1 1/4 cup basmati (or jasmine) rice
2 1/4 cups coconut milk
2 tablespoons vegetable oil

To be more authentic, you should use tandoori cooked chicken instead of plain chicken. I'm going to make that soon, and I'll share the recipe later. But for this version, I used regular chicken so I wouldn't be too terrified to make it or eat it.

Also, ghee is clarified butter. Indian cooking uses a lot of this, because it's had the cream boiled off. You can make it yourself, or buy it (although, I haven't been able to find it yet). Using clarified butter in Indian cooking is important because you'll be cooking with high heat a lot, and the cream in butter smokes and burns at high temperatures. You can use vegetable oil as an alternative. I used regular butter in my dish and was careful to not let it burn but it's not incredibly authentic to do so.

I went to Ocean Mart on 115 West 9000 South to find spices and coconut milk (although you can find expensive coconut milk at regular grocery stores).

Begin your rice by rinsing it until the water runs clear. Soak the rice in water for 20-30 minutes.

Begin cooking your chicken in a separate pan if it's not cooked already; I cooked with salt and pepper.

In a large saute pan, mince up your chili and garlic, and stir fry in hot ghee for a couple of minutes until aromatic and tender. The chili that you use will determine how spicy your dish is. Stir in spices, salt and pepper, and cook for a minute or so to allow the flavors to mingle. Add the cream and tomatoes, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for 10 minutes or so until thickened. Add the chicken, and simmer for 5-10 minutes.

While your sauce and chicken are cooking, start cooking your rice. Heat 2 tablespoons of oil in a medium pot, and add rice. Cook on medium high, stirring, until the rice is coated. Add the coconut milk and stir; bring it to a low boil. Reduce heat to very low and cover. Do not remove the lid until all the liquid is absorbed, about 10-15 minutes. Fluff with a fork, and cover for a couple minutes after it's cooked.

Garnish your chicken with chopped cilantro if desired, and serve with rice.

Your house will smell like Indian food for a few days. Your belly will be thankful.

Sale Info

Hi Friends! I'm having a sale and it's really good; just thought you might want to know!

http://beckygreenphotography.blogspot.com/2012/01/just-because-40-off-sale.html

cake, chocolate: chocolatey cake

I've been craving chocolate cake for weeks. So we finally have an occasion to make a cake (and not have mounds of leftovers to ourselves). But it was probably the ugliest cake I've ever made. I'm being completely serious. I wish I'd taken a picture, because this thing was messed up.

We have two round cake pans, but one is 8 inches and the other is 9. I thought I could trim the larger one to fit the smaller layers... Not so easy. It was made of vanilla cake and chocolate cake (to appease Trevor), and both were new recipes. The vanilla cake stuck to the pan and tore completely in half. And I totally cut the chocolate layers all skiwampus. Needless to say, it looked terrible. The frosting got all infested with cake crumbs, my layers were all crazy, and we couldn't even cut it without it falling over. Oh, and before all of that happened, in the oven the chocolate cake boiled over onto the vanilla cake below it, and onto my oven, thus creating the second oven fire we've had since October.

But it was really tasty. I liked the chocolate cake recipe, so I thought I'd share it with you all.

http://www.foodess.com/2011/03/moist-chocolate-cake/

Next time I'm just gonna make it the way this lady says, and I'm gonna love it. In fact, I'm deeming this exact cake my birthday cake in five weeks.

Going back to church...

I decided I wanted to briefly write about a specific topic for a couple of reasons. I've been, like, 99% inactive at church for a couple years. My heart has been active, but my body has not, if that makes sense. I've usually kept this private, for probably obvious reasons, but after a lot of thinking, I decided I want to talk about it. It will be good for me to vocalize some of the things I've been feeling, as well as, maybe, hopefully, help others who may be in the same boat as me not feel alone. I've tried hiding my feelings so I would always have an out if things got too hard. I don't want that out anymore.

I've always felt fairly responsible and independent when it comes to my spirituality. I developed a real testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints over a period of time from age 12-18, which I firmly maintained. I held strongly to my testimony through thick and thin. I learned what I still believe is truth. I believe I received confirmation to my questions and doubts through the Spirit, and I don't think I'll ever be able to doubt what I've felt, even if I want to. I was endowed and sealed to my husband in the temple, and I'll always be thankful for the knowledge I gained and spirit I felt there. I believe it is what has kept me from lazily turning my back completely on everything I know is true.

I gradually became less active at church after a couple of years of marriage when there were less people to be accountable to, and when my husband became less active. Trevor's journey is his; this is mine. So I won't go much into his.

If you've ever gone to church, any church, you know what it's like to be faced with the task of being patient and kind to those who annoy you. This bothersome task, coupled with always being alone at church, is what initially started to keep me away. I continued to have a testimony in the gospel and knew what was right and wrong but I chose to ignore it and believed I could go back any time me and my husband were ready to go together. I gave up my callings. To avoid the pain of sitting through countless lessons and talks about eternal families, spiritual homes, and going to the temple with a spouse, I started to compartmentalize my priorities. In my mind, church became more painful than helpful. I knew I was letting it, but it wasn't worth not letting it.

Life goes on, surprisingly, when you don't go to church. Family still hangs out with you, work still happens, you still have goals, priorities, and standards to live by. We lead a life fairly close to that of a lot of Mormons--we don't drink or smoke, we try to be compassionate and giving, and have even gone through periods of time reading scriptures diligently or praying daily. I think that's why it's been so easy to just let things go for so long. I've become complacent, ignoring occasional bouts of sadness that my life lacks true spirituality and a closeness to God I used to have, preferring to focus my attentions on problems I felt were truly solvable, like sharing chores, starting a photography business, surviving unemployment, putting a spouse through college, and a whole bundle of good old regular marital issues like give-and take and sexual compatibility. It's easy to let everything else be the only problems you have to deal with. Why add something you don't need? See, when you're married, your lives become fused. You rely on each other for practically everything, even when you think you're independent. Even when one partner has a goal, it's nearly un-accomplish-able without the support of the other. We weren't ready to go back to church together, so I wasn't ready.

It's high time I say out loud I know that's not really true; it's not the right way to think about the whole situation.

Over the last few months, it's been harder and harder for me to ignore the hole in my life. It's more than just a conditioning I've had my whole life that now I'm without. I'm not the person I could be or want to be. And really, even though it seems like such a huge mountain to climb, I'm not that far away from where I'd like to be. And I can't keep pretending that my husband and I will one day be able to turn around "when we're ready."

I think only some of you will know what it means to actually admit that. It means I can't keep saying, "When we have kids, I'll go back," or "I'm not REALLY all that different than I used to be."

I knew I was further away from my last spiritual encounter than I thought, but last Sunday really proved it to me. Two weeks ago I decided I'd go. And some of you will know what it means to make a promise to yourself for which you have a week to think about before you act. As Sunday got closer, my resolve weakened, just as it has almost every other time I've determined to go. Everything was a reason not to go. All the hurting and loneliness I felt all those times sitting alone during Sacrament Meeting, or during Sunday School (or worse, sitting with a family who has perfect attendance) came back to me and reminded me why I don't go. The night before church was New Year's Eve, and I was up really late. The services started at 9:00 AM. I literally had to dust my scriptures before picking them up. And I really hate my church clothes.

I've gotten to this point several times over the last few years. I've even gone and survived a week or two in a row. But this time... I feel something different. I really feel that it won't be so hard to give up 3 hours every Sunday. I know there's more to it than that--there's the praying and the scriptures, and the tithing, the callings (Oh, gosh, the callings), the visiting teaching, and the being known only as the lady who plays the piano and sits alone. And let's face it, I really don't want to think about the possibility of giving up things like Dexter and super gory zombie movies.

I'm not worrying about those things right now though. I went to church last Sunday. And being the first of the new year, there was a lot of talk about goals, and what we'll be learning this year. We had the standard talk about The Book of Mormon being the keystone of our testimonies, and we read the Intro to the Book of Mormon. There were super annoying people in my class who wouldn't shut up about their off-topic tangents and cliche answers, and there were smelly-old-person-breath people and crying babies. And I almost WISHED that I wouldn't feel the spirit so I wouldn't have to be there. But my heart was open, and in contrast to the "remembered" feeling of church (that it's elitist, and driven by guilt, and not as potent as we think), I actually FELT church. I was reminded that the gospel is offered as hope, not as an exclusive club. And the root of that hope is Christ and The Book of Mormon. It doesn't matter what else I've forgotten, what else I'm confused about, or about what else I need reminding. I felt that hope again last week, and I can't deny it.

I've never led a life TOO far from what it should be, but it's been far enough that I've lacked daily and weekly reminders from the spirit that what I'm doing is right. I might have felt the spirit strongly on a monthly basis for various reasons--family get-togethers, conference, random bouts of praying or reading the Ensign, or joining in other family's prayers. But it just isn't the same as feeling it every week, and being reminded of my testimony on a daily basis.

I'm determined to make attending my weekly meetings a priority. I know I can't handle tackling all my faults at once, so I'm not going to stress out about everything at once. I need to get my mind and body in the routine of being there again. And I'm determined to not let my guilt and faults, or my responsibility to be an example to my spouse, consume my hope. I'm not ashamed of who I am. It's not about what I lack, it's about what I'm capable of.

I completely realize that to some people who read this, it's going to sound the same as all the other testimonies out there. I know exactly what you're thinking. But maybe my sharing this can give someone the courage to try again too. Courage... That's the word that stuck out to me during the sacrament hymn, and I've been thinking about it all week. Courage is what I need to ignore the easy route.

And silently we pray for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey.

I'm thankful that we sing at church. It is the easiest way for me to feel the spirit of written words.

That's all for now, until next week, I suppose. I'm pushing "publish" and I promise I won't unpublish.