One Month of Church

I figured it's about time for an update on that horrible post I had to write about going back to church a few weeks back. Exposing my gigantic flaws to the interwebs is indeed horrible, however motivating and liberating.

I guess my first goal with this whole thing has been to simply get back in the habit of GOING to church. That involves going to bed at a reasonable hour on Saturday night, getting up on time Sunday morning, driving in the cold, and deciding which of my church paraphernalia to tote along with me. The latter wasn't as hard as it used to be, given that I don't exactly have any responsibilities at church yet that require carrying a bunch of crap. Allowing my mind to be okay with giving up one of the only two nights I'm allowed to stay up late, and one of the only two mornings I'm allowed to sleep in, is a bit of a struggle. People who don't care about the hours of 10 PM to 2 AM on Saturday nights probably have no idea what it means to be sleeping during this time instead of doing whatever the heck you want. Watching back to back episodes of Monk, or that Stephen Hawking mini-series is so much more fun than going to bed at 11:00. Reading an extra 50 pages in my book club book is so much more satisfying; being awake for a midnight snack is something I look forward to on the weekends!  And at this point, the only reason it's worth it isn't because being at church is so much more interesting or immediately fulfilling. Honestly, it's more worth it because I know how I feel when I'm not doing it. I assure you, going to sleep while your husband plays is less than thrilling.

My second goal has been to actually pay attention in my meetings and focus on as many good things as I can. By default, this means that doing the opposite is to be minimized. For example, making it to Sunday School, but texting Trevor or checking facebook on my phone while I'm there probably isn't the best use of my time. Why did I go to bed early just to waste being here? Also, letting myself get distracted by all the things there are to be distracted: the universal smell that fills a room when too many people are crammed in and they're breathing; the sound of twenty babies under nursery age crying; people going off on tangents, giving advice about other churches they've gone to that turned out to be cults, or talking about the Jazz or democrats in Utah; you know, that kind of thing. I just have to take a deep breath and let it roll off me. Everyone is a person too, no matter how annoying I let them seem. Besides, they're obviously doing better at life than I am since they're always at church no matter when I decide to randomly go. BUT--focusing on as many GOOD things as I can; that's the real goal. I read along. I search for lessons I can apply to myself, and answers to questions I have. I try to feel the spirit that the teachers or speakers obviously feel. I usually find it and feel it when I'm being patient and open to those around me.

They say you make a habit out of something after 21 days... How long when you do it once a week? Longer? I feel my habit forming after accomplishing the routine 4 consecutive times. Though, I'm worried about adding more layers before I'm ready to carry more. I've been surprised at my feelings toward Relief Society. At 18 when I first joined Relief Society, and even for a few years after that, it was a great source of support and comfort for me. A few years ago when I stopped attending, my responsibilities in Relief Society and the atmosphere were actually the brunt of a lot of my anxiety. I'm trying to slowly but steadily remind myself of the TRUE purpose behind callings and the fellowshipping that goes on in Relief Society between women. A few years ago I began to feel like my calling was too much for me to handle on my own. That I wasn't known or valued as myself, but only as my calling. I began to feel distanced from the sisters around me--I felt alone in a room full of women my age. I didn't feel like any fellowship I GAVE was genuine, and I didn't feel what I RECEIVED was genuine either. I didn't want it to be genuine, on the one hand; I just want to be left alone to feel the spirit sometimes. But on the other, I wanted to be loved. I know the majority of what I was feeling was caused by my own lack of effort and a dependence on others around me to keep me spiritual. But it's a scary thought to go back to that world where I was feeling so torn. I'm worried that a calling will bring too much pressure; I'm worried that I'll be reminded over and over of all that I still need to do.

Next week is Stake Conference, so I guess I have almost two weeks to prepare myself for going to Relief Society when normal church resumes. I just need to keep reminding myself of my first impressions of Relief Society, and not those I created later on during a hard time in my own life. Why am I dedicating so much effort and time to becoming an active member, but ignoring a third of church? Doesn't make sense.

The reintroduction of prayer in my life is an uncomfortable step. Never before in my entire life have I felt uncomfortable praying to my Heavenly Father. In a way, though, I've felt my sporadic prayers have been more honest because I have to think extra hard about what I'm saying. My mind isn't used to easily recalling what I'm supposed to pray about, so I'm forced to really think about what I actually want to say to God. I have the feeling this is going to be a long term goal, but I'm going to be finding ways to remind myself to pray. Communication with God is one thing that keeps me from ignoring what I'm avoiding.

Most of all, I want to reaffirm to myself that what I'm doing isn't out of guilt. Guilt is an important part of repentance. But guilt is also a false motivator. It's a distraction. I don't want such a huge factor in my life to be motivated by feelings of remorse for something I haven't done. I AM still motivated by the lack of spirituality my life has contained at various points; but it's not healthy to constantly feel the need to be at church or else God will bring his wrath down upon you. Or to be bogged down by remorse for weaknesses. Remorse needs its day in the sun, but reminders of hope, love, compassion, and redemption are much more motivating.

I'm looking for ways to personalize all those phrases we hear all the time about the Savior. He died for us. He redeemed the world. He atoned for our sins. He saved us. I know why we say these things--because as Christians, we do believe he literally did them. It's difficult for me to remember how I used to feel when I thought of it though. Sometimes I feel like there's a blank in my mind when I try to recall. Like the rug is being pulled out from under my brain when I try to remember the spirit I used to feel. THIS is the largest reason I am going to church, why I'm part of religion. I have a Father, and a purpose. And a big part of that purpose hinges on understanding Christ's sacrifices for me.

Good luck to me! Haha :) I HOPE I have luck. And good luck to all of YOU this month. Be grateful for what you have.