Chuck Wendig's Autumn Pasta

I'm about to share with you a pretty amazing pasta. Trevor reads the blog Terrible Minds by Chuck Wendig, and on there he occasionally writes recipes in the most hilarious but completely inappropriate ways. We made his original recipe, which you can find here, a few months ago, and it really did Autumn our effing faces off (as Chuck promised it would). The thing is though, Mr. Wendig likes to swear and talk about male genitalia while cooking a little more than I do (or, really, doing anything at all). So, for your eating enjoyment, I'm translating!

Trevor and I have dubbed this "Autumn Pasta," but just you try not to recite Chuck's real title in your head every time you want to make it. We tried Chuck's buttery rendition the first time, and then added much more cream because we just like our pastas creamier instead of buttery.

Here's what you need:

1/2 white onion, diced
2 tablespoons olive oil
salt
1 pound ground country sausage
salt and pepper
1-2 portabello caps, diced
1 finely grated carrot
2 jonathan apples, diced (or similarly tart apples)
2 tablespoons cider vinegar
1 pound spiral pasta, like rotini
1 stick unsalted butter
salt
2 cups half and half
1/8 teaspoon ground sage (or dried equivalent)
2 teaspoons fresh chopped rosemary
1-2 teaspoons thyme
crumbled walnuts (optional)

NOTE: Chuck's version uses 1/2 stick butter, and 2 tablespoons of cream. That's it. You can try it, but I think it's better this way :)

K. So.

Saute and soften the diced onion in olive oil, and sprinkle with salt. The salt helps to draw out the moisture in the onion, so do it! These babies should cook for at least 5 minutes.

While the onions are saute-ing, start chopping all your other stuff like apples, and mushrooms, and grate your carrot. I chop into little bite size pieces, but you could pretty much do any size you want. Grate the carrot super fine. Chuck says it's supposed to look like orange dirt. Yum.

A word on the apples: Make sure to choose something that will stand up to cooking and not totally lose it's firmness. I used Jonathan apples the first time and they were the best.

Add your sausage to the onions and cook away. Add salt and pepper.

 Right about now is when you start boiling a huge pot of water for your pasta. Remember to salt the water so it tastes like sea water, so your noodlies get some flavor too.

Once all your sausage is brown, add all the chopped stuff and carrot to the sausage and combine. 

Add the cider vinegar and get it all cooking for a couple minutes. The apples and mushrooms should start to get a little soft.

Okay, now just take a minute and smell that wonderful goodness you've created... Right here, you have two options: 1. Taste the sausage mixture and be amazed at the wonderful flavors you'e never tasted combined, OR 2. Just wait and taste it all together and be even more surprised and amazed at what is in your mouth :) You decide. 

 Keep an eye on your pasta so it doesn't over cook. It's okay to make it al dente so it can soak up some of the mind-blowing sauce you're about to make.

Belt the butter in a pan. Let it cook for like 5 minutes on medium until it gets browned and nutty. Don't burn it though.

Add your cream and spices. This is where my version differs from Chuck Wendig's. He says to add 2 tablespoons of some sort of cream, like sour cream, creme fraiche, or whatever. I say, add 2 CUPS of half-and-half (or any kind of cream, just as Chuck suggests). Chuck's version is buttery and delicious but makes not so delicious leftovers, and leaves a film in your mouth. My version is creamy and warm, and, let's just say it, perfect. 

Drain noodles, combine with sauce once it's been thickening for a few minutes.

Mmm. If you're brave, add a crap ton of herbs. Go wild. It tastes best with strong rosemary and sage flavors. My recipe says 2 teaspoons of rosemary and 2 teaspoons of thyme, but you could go a full tablespoon if you want. Just use the amount you like. Also, you can pretty much use whatever spices you want. I think rosemary and sage taste like fall though.

Get some noodles in a bowl, top with the sausage mix, and possibly walnuts, and prepare yourself for the awesomest autumn pasta ever.

EAT while watching TV and drink milk. Well, really, you can eat it wherever you want and drink whatever beverage you prefer; you'll love it just the same :)