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June 2012 and today. |
I'm counting calories.
Yep. That's it.
I logged into myfitnesspal.com (I use the iPhone app), put in my height, weight, and how much I exercise, and pushed GO. (They don't actually have a "go" button.) They calculate for me how many calories I need to eat to maintain my current weight, how many to lose 1 pound per week, or 2 pounds per week. They factor in how many calories I burn if I exercise. And most importantly, they track the exact calories for every bit of food I eat.
Oh, but most MOST importantly, it's free :)
So, every day, I look up the food I eat and log it in my food diary. By the end of the day, I may or may not have some leftover for dessert. If I do, I usually eat dessert.
I can basically eat whatever I want, as long as I stay within my calorie limit. Right now, for my weight, height, and exercise level (which is ZERO), I get to eat 1630 calories per day. If I do this, I should lose an average of 1.5 pounds per week. Which has been true, plus some! I've lost 31 pounds.
Now, that's not to say I actually DO eat whatever I want. But I COULD. I could eat a double cheeseburger with mayo and fries... and nothing else all day. If I wanted to. I don't, FYI. I have been trying to make this whole process as easy on me as possible. I've been trying very hard to make this something I can maintain long term. So the choices I've made have been those that promote change I'm comfortable continuing forever, for the most part. That's why I haven't done any juice or smoothie diets, or low-carb, vegetarian, or whatever other kind of diets are out there. I love food. I want to be allowed to eat all kinds if I so desire. And I don't want my body to freak out when I'm done dieting because it's not used to eating sugar, fat, meat, or dairy. I want my life to feel balanced. Food is a HUGE part of my life--I WANT it to be a huge part of my life because I love cooking and I love eating great food. So, I needed to find a solution to my weight issue that didn't involved cutting out everything I love.
Here's what my days look like:
- On a weekday I usually eat cereal or toast for breakfast. This is when I get to drink milk :) One cup of glorious skim milk. I try to keep my breakfasts around the 200-300 range. On weekends, breakfast and lunch get combined into one sometimes, or I get to have eggs :) I LOVE EGGS. Scrambled with veg, fried, boiled, whatever.
- I sometimes eat a snack of banana or strawberry mid-morning if I'm feeling hungry. Mostly I'll just drink water though.
- I love lunch. Let me just tell you. Lunch is a break. It's happy! I get to eat food! I really like it when I have something special at lunch time, so lately I've been making homemade soups, or special little items to bring with me to make lunchtime special. I love the feeling of going out to lunch, getting a hot meal made for me, and having time to sit alone to read. But that doesn't really lend well to weight loss since most fast food and restaurants don't have low calorie filling meals. I eat anywhere from 350-500 calories for lunch depending on the day. This usually consists of some combination of: a small bowl of soup or salad, a tuna or meat sandwich with light mayo and SOMETIMES cheese, and a variety of fruit and veg like carrots, banana, strawberries, apples, cucumber, peppers, what have you. I like to mix it up sometimes--a made some tzatziki sauce a while back and that was great. Also, maybe some vegetable baked crisps (like chips).
- One the weekends, lunch usually includes goat cheese for me. Breakfast too. Any way I can find a way to include it, I love it. Small tortillas, spinach, tomatoes, and roasted red peppers are my friends lately too. I put them in everything. Trevor is annoyed.
- Sometimes I'll have a half a banana or apple with peanut butter, or a 100 calorie ice cream treat in the afternoon. Or some peanut butter toast. Ugh, that's making me hungry.
- Dinner is a special time of day :) This is the time of day I get to be creative. Cooking nice, delicious food is a stress reliever to me. I actually enjoy making dinner, as long as my kitchen is clean, haha :) I like trying new things and perfecting things. So, I almost always end up eating a large portion of my calories at dinnertime. We've been focusing on finding foods that are low in calories but are still filling. Like: Rice, chicken, pork, 95/5 ground beef, vegetables, thin pizza crust, low fat cheeses, pasta with lots of vegetables, FISH. We have fish and rice, a grilled chicken meal, a vegetabley-pasta meal, a soup, and a thin crust pizza meal usually about once a week. Fish is amazing. Dinner is anywhere from 400-800 calories usually. Fish and rice is probably the lowest one.
- I usually have anywhere from 100-400 calories I can spend on a treat or dessert. Sugar free instant or cook-and-serve Jello is amazing. You can eat half a small box for 150 calories. Sometime we'll have brownies or cake, or even cookies or doughnuts. It's all about eating the right portion, though. Sometimes I'll just eat toast with jam or honey as dessert. Or a small cup of ice cream. This week we made peach cobbler. You get used to eating less after a couple weeks. I promise.
- Things I don't get to eat as often: MILK, butter, cheese, oil, heaping bowls of cereal, heaping bowls of anything really, treats and popcorn at the movies, cheeseburgers, french fries, condiments, delicious bread :( Now I've probably made you want all those things...
- Also, I don't really exercise that much yet. I occasionally ride my bike, and walk my dog. This will probably change over time as my desire and needs change, but so far... nope.
Okay, so when I say, "I'm counting calories and that's it," it sort of ignores all the emotional work that goes in to watching what I eat. I have to try hard. Some days it's easier than others. Some days I need Trevor to physically take away the food I'm about to scarf down when it's 10:00 at night and I just want to eat. Some days (especially in the beginning) I needed to leave my money at home so I had no other choice but to eat what I brought to work instead of fast food. Some days I feel skinnier, and some days I feel incredibly fat and ugly. My body has changed already, and parts of me I never noticed were fat suddenly look fatter because the part next to it is skinnier. Some days I feel empowered shopping for healthy food, and some days I can't stop thinking about what other people might be thinking seeing my fat body walking around picking out the food I want to consume. Some days I don't care one bit what other people think--I only care about myself and how good I feel. And then some days I can't help but think that other random people who see me have no idea the hard work I've done, and only see 70 pounds that need to disappear. I've come to realize that one of the reasons it was so hard to START is because once I started, it meant realizing just how far there is to go, and just how unhappy I can feel sometimes in my body. It's easier to repeat as loud as I can what people say--that you should be happy with who you are. But, that's not always the case. On those days where I'm not exactly at the peak of my self-esteem, I gain confidence in my success. I literally close my eyes and say in my head not to care. I turn my head away from whatever it is causing me to doubt and I move forward in the way that has been working. Now that I have actual success behind me, I can't deny that moving forward would continue to work. On the days where 30 pounds sounds like a bag of feathers, I tell myself how much easier it has seemed than I anticipated. And I remind myself that time goes on. Each day is another day and there is no reason why 4 more months from now I can't be down another 30 pounds. I can either spend the time being stagnant, or continuing. My goals have aligned as such that on Halloween, I should be at about 45 pounds lost total. Halloween is going to arrive no matter what I do, so I might as well use this 60 days to do what I want.
I judge no one who isn't at the same place as me. I was not emotionally prepared for years to do what I'm doing now. It's hard to explain to everyone why I couldn't find the motivation inside myself to make a change sooner. I wish I would have, but I also know exactly what I was feeling that seemed like a giant roadblock. Many people find motivation to change their bodies by looking at themselves in the mirror, seeing a million things wrong and hundred pounds of fat, and they think, "Gosh, I'm disgusting, I should work out, and I should eat more vegetables tomorrow." Since I can remember, when I've looked in the mirror I've seen a million things wrong, and I've always seen pounds to lose, no matter how thin I actually was. And I've always thought, "Gosh, I'm disgusting. I'd rather not think about this... What makes me happy? Food? Relaxation? Okay." When something would happen to point out that I am more overweight than people around me (like, being invited to a pool party, not being able to share clothes with people, not being able to wear jewelry gifts people buy me because my fat wrists are too big, or my neck is too big), I would hide the problem from myself rather than face the pain. I understand 100% why anyone would want to do that. The change in my thoughts happened when I gave something a shot that didn't seem too hard, and it actually worked a little bit. It actually seemed like something I could do forever, and it made a difference. I can see now I don't always have to hide.
I'm only 1/3 of the way, and already I can tell a difference in my emotional ability to face the hard things, and to believe in myself. If you're anything like me, it will happen to you too.