Eye problems, and more church.

Mmkay, so a couple of things. Regarding two drastically different topics.

I have some sort of eye freak-out going on, and I can't see very well. I've had really dry eyes for like, a couple of months. Especially at night. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, and my eyes will be ridiculously dry--so dry I can barely open them. I'm a contacts person. I've worn them almost every day for like, 13 years, or something like that. I wear my glasses when my eyes get tired or whatever.

Over the weekend, my eyes started getting more and more dry, and started to sting like crazy even during the day time, and especially when I wasn't wearing my contacts. It started to get a bit unbearable on Sunday/Monday. I almost couldn't drive to work on Monday, but I suffered through, and luckily I didn't get in any accidents. Monday night, I basically spent the whole evening turning off lights where ever I went, keeping my eyes shut, and holding cold cloths over my eyes. I tried some basic dry eyes and irritation reliever eye drops, but they didn't seem to help.

Yesterday, I was trying so hard to function, but by the time I got out driving, I could barely keep my eyes open long enough to see to turn into the closest parking lot on my way to work. Needless to say, I sobbed for 5 minutes before hysterically calling Trevor to tell him I was going blind having a hard time seeing. Luckily, my brother-in-law was at home for the morning and he rescued me, took me to the eye doctor, and suffered my eyes crying involuntarily for a couple of hours.

Turns out, I have an infection that isn't really an infection that has caused infiltrates on my corneas. Apparently my white blood cells are gathering to fight something off, causing my corneas to feel scratched. It sounds to me like it's one of those diagnosis they give for all sorts of generic problems, but whatev. I got an antibiotic eye drop and was told to use an extra moisturizing drop too. They said it can be caused by dryness, pollution, or sickness, any and all kinds.

Whatever the reason, I'm glad my eyes aren't burning my face off any more. I'm still having a hard time with light, and my vision is still a bit blurry, but I was able to drive to work this morning. Thank goodness for the overcast sky today!

I have to wear my glasses for at least a week, and it might be recurring :/ Idunno how I feel about that.

Um, also, I went to Relief Society on Sunday. It was okay. I sat in the very front row, and it felt like I was alone with the teacher, and that actually helped. I was less distracted by being able to see everyone in the room. I also attended my ward's New Member meeting, so there's no turning back now. The ward leadership is now aware of me and my woes.

I've been reading The Book of Mormon during breakfast the last couple weeks, and it actually hasn't felt like a chore. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you want to.

In church we focused on the two "great commandments" specifically laid out in Matthew 22:

 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

 38 This is the first and great commandment.

 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

And in my study, I've been feeling uplifted as I read Mormon and Ether. That, all by itself is kind of surprising, since both books are basically all about generations of people who fall away. In Ether 12:9 it says:

 Wherefore, ye may also have hope, and be partakers of the gift, if ye will but have faith.

Combined, I feel a great sense of ease. My small decisions to do right are more easily done, and I feel ready to think about other people besides myself. It seems like in a matter of weeks I've gotten over my fear of serving extra, having a calling, participating. I started to feel incredibly sorry for leaving my ward without a pianist--while I"m grateful for the sister's effort and time it takes to plunk out the melody of an opening hymn, I can't help but feel like I've been selfish to withhold something I can so easily offer. I want to hurry and get to know some of these people so I can stop feeling so isolated, and do my part.

I'm determined to be less contentious at home, less quick to judge; I'm basically failing at this so far. And I'm sure Trevor finds me incredibly hypocritical and changeable when I forget. And I'm trying to let my faith take over in my life. Believing in God isn't about being certain. It's about giving a feeling a chance. I'm only able to be fully aware of how deep my faith runs when I allow myself to feel it, and when I do, it feels like I'm rewarded with extra bits of goodness. I still have lengths and bounds to go before I'll really be used to everything, and probably eons before I'm back on top of all my responsibilities. But my foot is in the door--no, maybe my leg.